lone

Time to write again me thinks. After all the drama of the apartment searching and such I settled on a house in Wallingford (I think.) I spent Saturday moving and today unpacking and settling. I decided not to move in with my friend Debbie who decided to back out of our agreement, with the checks and everything. Which means I lost 50 on credit check and 100 on a holding fee. Which means basically it cost my Dad because I can't cover that. I was upset for awhile. She basically left me in a position to be homeless which brought up a lot of old emotions I hadn't visited since actually being homeless. Anyway

So I've been trying to conceptualize working again. Trying to figure out how I can do it. If I can. What I could and would do. If my sleep stays on this track, and I can take my pain pills I think it could possible be doable. I'd meet new people at work I think, and it'd be nice to have a new crew to hang with. So many of the people I've been seeing on a regular basis are people Johnny's associated with. I spent a lot of timing thinking the other night before about how those people likely won't stick around if we broke up. If we did socialize it would likely be at his shows once I was able to go again, once the pain subsided.
I feel when the whole Frank thing went down (and yes, me being vulnerable here Amber) I got so betrayed, and taught about trust on all levels. Amber was never really my friend. I was a pawn in the Johnny game. A person to manipulate to get what she wanted. And it crushed my heart. Fuck her for that. For attacking me. For making me question my happiness and my love. Fuck her for ruining the family shit I had invisioned when Chris moved back. I wanted the life I had with Bobby's and Alastairs family. They loved me- and this leads into the next step- I'm supposed to meet Johnny's parents on Wedsday. What will they think? Will we bond? I long to so much. Johnny and Dad are what I consider family. The men I would do anything for.

Fuck Amber. She has malificntly and beautifully calculated this out so I have permanent scars and she doesn't fucking care. All under this veil of compassion. Compassion is easy to feel with those you love, it's feeling empathy for those you don't like that's difficult. When I let her take those pictures with Johnny. Or ivited her out with us the first few times. And my thanks on twitter that she was calm and clear that my man was absolutely meant to be hers.

I grow so tired of being ignore by Chris and Nicole becauae of what's been said. Nicole can't seem to help but speaking to me condescendingly. Travs is an angel and always speaks to me like a fucking person. Like he has no agenda. He and Greta and Chris. Summers so far back fro the group now. She's pulled away, which sucks because she was a friend and Ally. She'd stick up for me as I her. But now her whole life is baout to change and I can't help but be a little jealous.

My life is changing too, and I'm going to start going to meetings. I gotta figure out a way to handle my life on my own.

I wish Johnny was the kind of man who could hold me for a few miuntes before going back to his game. Or maybe say I miss you once in awhile. But wishing doesn't change anything. I still want the litte gestures to let me know I'm not some piece of furniture in his life and that he cares.

I feel so fucking alone. This is when I start to trace down the fillers. I think Ive quit drugs on the whole now. But I still wish I had a line and some company right now,

Someone to just touch me softly. Instead of the obvious contridiction of the blade. Silly isnt it? Pain is so much more easy to obtain than comfort right now. I'm off to contemplate that. Sorry this isn't very structured. Don't worry I'm going to sleep. I don't S.I anymore either. Look at how boring I'm becoming...

2 Shit-tastic days

This day has gone to shit. When I went to bed last night I had asked Johnny to call and talk to me after yesterday, because yesterday had been a crap day too. When I got up I found out there was someone coming to look at *my* room in my current house because I had told Lauren I *thought* I found a place on Friday that would work. I told her I would know for sure by 5pm, and if she could wait that long, (which was 3 hours at that point) I would tell her for sure. Before I even got to the appointment an hour later she had rented my room out, and was kicking me out by the first either way. Which was perfect, because then I found out they had rented the apartment Deb and I wanted out from under us as well. So... The manager took us to another location which is 2 minutes away from the one we wanted. Not as charming, but much larger. So we agreed. Exchanged money and lease agreements. I felt really backed into a corner, and not comfortable with the idea. I was mad at Lauren for putting a strangers needs before mine, a friend. Then I came home and started packing my shit.

My grandmother sent me a little money which was the only bright spot to the day. I didn't feel like driving to the store, so I ate the last thing in my fridge, some broccoli and got back online and did jack shit. Johnny hadn't text or called when I finally decided to call it a night at 1:30. It's not like him, so with the silence I kind of started to think something had gone wrong and he didn't want to talk about it. When it happened before it meant my ex was somewhere he shouldn't have been. I know better than that of Johnny, but it still doesn't sit well. I layed down anyway, figuring J and I would talk the next day. But as I started to drift off my phone buzzed. J was letting me know he was at a party and lost track of time. I thanked him for letting me know and went to sleep. Sort of.

Got up this morning and popped onto facebook to find that I was in a relationship, but not with Johnny anymore. I panicked. I thought "oh my god, something WAS wrong and he just didn't want to talk about it. I'm gunna get broken up with and facebook is telling me before he is." So then during my little panick attack I had a moment of "calm down, you should probably talk to him about it." So I figured I'd text him. Then I was like "fuck that, I gotta know now." So I called him and he told me it wasn't true. We were fine. But by then I'd started crying as a reaction. I told him I loved him and we got off the phone. Cried for a few more minutes and then pulled myself together. Then I seriosuly wished I had Xanax, because nothing was gunna calm me down completely. Instead I began to work through the mess that is the ticket and suspended licence. I figured it was a day shot to shit as it were. So... it is indeed a fucking mess, and one that's going to take some time to resolve. Because the cop screwed me, and said I had no proof of insurance. But I've never driven uninsured. He also got my birthday wrong on the ticket, which I hadn't noticed til today. Then I got ANOTHER parking ticket outside on my street. I'm not fucking leaving this space. I'll need food, but I don't want to go anywhere but Johnny's.

And I'm straight up saying tomorrow has to be a better day. Fuck. Waking up next to J and some karaoke. That's all I want. Point and fact J is all I want. Once I'm around him again, I'll feel better.

I know.

Done

I got some bad news at the doctor the other day. I'm not terribly upset about it. I was for about five minutes, then I shrugged and realized there's nothing I can do to change it, so let's just go with it. In happy-ish news however, they will likely take my ass of the ambien and put me back on Xanax which makes this chick stoked. I love Xanies cuz they work well. Plus I don't act weird on them. They don't leave time for it.

So... This part is where I rant for a moment. Please take it at face value.

I took Amber of my facebook updates about 2 weeks ago because I really got tired of what she was saying. I stopped wanting to know. All it was doing was hurting me, and in turn hurting my relationship with J which likely is exactly the point. I have never hated her- I've felt a lot of emotions for that person, but hate was never one.
But I'll be damned if she isn't trying hard to get me to hate her.
I found out days after the post that she had said some shit which was a lie, and I'm positive directed at me. It implied that I read her and J's conversation on messenger.
That implies a few things, none of which are good. Most disturbingly that I don't trust Johnny. First off I do. Secondly, that she thinks I care about her drivel directed at him. I know it's rare he responds to what she's saying. I have a general idea of the stuff she says, based on conversations Johnny and I have had. None of it is earth shattering, or worth my time. Thirdly that she is willing to take that drama to the public. Especially to the 20 something friends we have in common. They aren't stupid. They know it was directed at me. I will say this:
When she has popped up on messenger and I'm sitting there I will sometimes close the window out. I don't want to even see her name somedays. I really honestly don't need to know how much she loves him, thus I've stopped reading her updates. All they do is piss me off generally anyway.
I will also say I've drafted in my head an email many times directed at her which I've never written down. And finally after debating whether or not to do so and send it- I've decided to be the bigger person. And ignore it. If she wants to passive aggressively and accuse me of shit so be it. Johnny doesn't need an e war between 2 chicks essentially fighting over him. How fucking lame is that. Besides, I have him. She doesn't. She's jealous. And apparently vindictive. (I will say with friends like her, he doesn't need enemies. More to the point someone who uses the term 'bff' which frankly sounds like a twitard phrase anyway.) Someone who was once my "friend" continues to hurt me continually, just as she did when we were "friends." I hope people see that the reason I stopped being her friend was because I finally saw through it. She didn't care about me or my happiness. Just her selfish motives. This isn't me saying catty shit either, let's be clear. This is the ONLY place I'm saying this. I haven't even said anything to J. It would just cause a fight.
I'm really at the end of my teather with her. The snap is coming. I swear to God if I catch her rolling her eyes at me once more or talking down at me... I have been the bigger person in this, the whole time. But you can only push me so far. I have respected her. Her space. Her time with J (though I haven't always liked it.) I have given her the benefit of the doubt. I think that chapter is closed. I did my damndest, I really did. As I said I don't hate, I'm just done dude.

It's 3:30, I'm supposed to have been to bed thirty minutes ago. I'm out of pills. Trying to keep to a schedule. I'm also home tonight with my boyfriend sleep aide, so that makes it harder too. Alastair contacted me today too, he's been going through some rough stuff and asked if I'd come keep him company. I agreed. So I spent a couple hours there watching bad music videos, doing laundry and conversating. He smoked some weed and drank. I opted to do neither. Went home round midnight and talked to Lauren for awhile. Apparently her band and Johnny's band are going to play a show on Saturday together at a venue I really like, so it'll be a few social circles in one place. I like those days.

I'm always with words to say still when I start winding down the entries. One day I'm gunna write an epic blog. Soon. But I'm in too much pain tonight to keep going. Time to call the doc for more codeine I guess. I was hoping to do without. Ahh well. There are worse things.

Self

Ahh, here I am again. I'm starting this off with thoughts, then maybe I'll move onto experiences.

First off when I started blogging I was blogging. About my stupid little life, and minor stuff that was happening at the time. I was dating. I had just moved to Seattle. Things weren't as dramatic back then as they had been prior to my moving, or in some things after. Since those days I've realized how important this blog was to me. How important it was to be honest. And I realized tonight it's because even though this blog started off the way it did, what it has become is a tool for self discovery. I work through my shit here. And even though I feel I still have tons of shit to come to terms with, it's less than it was.

A big part of who I am is me as a girlfriend, and the person I am in a relationship with makes up a huge amount of my experiences and feelings. On days when I feel my relationship is strong and I feel I'm loved, well those are my better days. If this is part of the love addiction than I understand that aspect. On days when I don't know where my relationship is going, then I start to doubt where my future is going. My bands, my location, my illness, my life. Lonliness is one of the cruelist emotions. I can be without my significant other- as long as I have time in advance to know. To make other plans, so I don't have to be by myself. That as I came to realize through my writings, is my greatest trigger for self destruction.

When I was younger I was angry, all the time. I expressed it nearly constantly, but always, always directed inward. Outward was never an option. These days I don't feel angry so much as guilty. This past week especially I wish I could go back to before I made some of my major mistakes. I wonder who that person was, and if I really was all that different. I absolutely hate that I can't express a strong opinion anymore, because I'm afraid of isolating people, or getting them angry at me. Then I get mad at myself for not sticking up for myself yet again. I am CONSTANTLY in B personality mode and it kills me. I come from a family of alpha females. Instead of learning how to compete with them as my sister did, I learned to go with the tide so as to stay out of trouble. I let people cross my boundaries all the time, and I know it's hard to respect someone you can take advantage of. But it's also hard to turn away from someone offering you everything you want. I've been on both sides.

Since the beginning of this blog I've watched some of mental stuff fade, and I've made concerted efforts for this. I went to yet another counselor last year who was the worst yet. I don't seek out therapy when I'm feeling I need something so much, as I do when I want to improve myself, to know myself better. People that are not self aware at all drive me crazy. I know my faults. Sometimes I feel people say things that are untrue. Even people who know me best, or the parts I let them see. Especially when I work so hard to correct them. It really hurts when people don't see it.
The second part to this of course as my mind I feel has improved some, my body has gotten worse and nothing has been so evident as this last week. I wonder sometimes if at the beginning of this all, if I hadn't said "fuck it time is short, let's have fun" if I would've had longer feeling better. Not that I have regrets. My only regret is having hurt anyone on any level. As I write this now I realize how much my life revolves around it. Avoiding it, and accepting it depending on the day.

I've always been broke. My parents help me with the necessities, but even at that they haven't always. I've never had money to spend on things I wanted. My biggest spend was on a new stereo with money I was saving to visit Seattle when I was working at Toys R Us. That was $250. I only had it for a few months before I traded it as rent for a place to stay for ten days, back when times were the hardest they've been. I hate relying on others for things. I wish I had more control over things so that I could really see what I could do. Or who I could be.
Talking to my dad over messenger today he said "you really need a break." I'm wondering what he meant exactly, because I don't get a break. Not from this body or this existance. Even going someplace would only be postponing what's here and I need to handle this shit right now.

My solace is Johnny. Even though we fight, when I walk through the door of his place I don't feel anything but relief and happiness to be there. All the jokes make the relationship more light hearted than any other I've been in. He hates it when I compare things. I don't think he realizes how favorably I compare this to others though. There is more companinship to this relationship. More stability too. I'm not constantly worried about where he is, or who he's meeting. When he gives me attention I just light up. Whenever I get a text I secretly hope it's him. I have felt the same excitedness about him I did on our very first date, even though before I was officially in love I was able to act more cool. My cool factor is such an illusion. The only thing "cool" about me is my music I think.

I love playing shows. I love the feeling I get when Flash starts to understand one of my songs. We played our last 2 before our summer hiatis. On our last show we got cut off early because the other douche bag bands complained about their time slots and we got pushed to last. I wasn't happy. I think partly because I don't know if it will be my last performance with that band. They're sick of me missing practice in the morning. I don't do it on purpose or maliciously. I want to be there, I really do. But I can't make my insomnia let me work in the AM. Bands usually rehearse in the evenings, and it's been easier to do that in the past. Not that it's ever been different with Flash, we've always rehearsed in the AM. But motivation was easier when we were working for something. Plus I feel like what I'm writing now isn't what they want anymore too. They want harder songs. I can only write certain sounds with a piano. We'll see how it goes.

Dad keeps urging me to do booking. I'm wondering what is stopping me right now. I fucking loved booking for my band when we started booking. I worked on that shit literally 12 hours a day for like, 2 weeks. I wasn't bored. I had purpose. I wasn't a dilweed about it like some of the bookers I know. And they all seem to be the same person around here ps.

I have a doctors appointment in 2 hours. I need to get offline. There's more to write but no time, and my back is killing me. Love to you all. I'll be back soon.

***

I am replacing the entry I wrote earlier. I woke up. I'm fine. Thankfully.

I haven't eaten since Saturday night. I'm off to scavenger food. Likely a sandwich. I'm slowly losing weight again. I'm five lbs off from where I was last May. That makes me happy. But I miss food lol.

Lots has happened. Haven't cared to write much of it. I'm sure I will soon though.

Reacknowledge

I tried a new karaoke spot tonight. It was actually, like, REALLY fun. I was seriously shaing before my first song. I was mildly intimidated. Evrybody in the bar seemed to know everybody, seemed to have a click. However, I got up despite and sang "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence. It was warmly received by both the karaoke peeps and the host.
The host was high energy, he knew compuhost, and was a lot of fun. His name was Joe. Bonus points. I liked him right away, even though it takes some effort for me to like a karaoke host. He beat down my doubts. He was good. :)
The night seemed shorter than usual. I sang three times, as did all the good singers. I was in Fremont. I enoyed life there, in my fav part of Seattle. Started learning the scenery. Watched many a row team go by before sunset. It was great.

Eventually I came home, and here I am. Monday night. Living in the moment. Living for me. That's a great thing.

I have nothing else to offer tonight. I lived to my fullest. I enoyed my beautiful day. I spent it in my company, and I'm not bad company. Always good to reacknowledge. :)

Currently

I guess technically speaking I provoked a fight out of J today. I have been making a conscious effort to spend less time with him this week. I've spent time with Debbie, went to see an apartment, went to practice, spent time at bars, went to dinner, went to the store... I've just found other shit to do in our time together. I've been trying since it's so important to him. As per the last blow out we had, I said I would. I try hard to keep my promises.
I wasn't trying to fight with him- I simply tried to approach him by asking him if that was what he wanted. If lessening our time together was better for what he needed. He said yes. He also said he can't miss someone he knows he'll see on a regular basis. I told him I would try and change that too, as soon as I had a different place.
This discussion lead me to tell him how hard this thing has been on me. There is SO MUCH for me to handle in this relationship. So many fucking lines to walk.
And I keep trying to be cool. Not to care, or let anyone onto how much I care about what's going on. The little bits of it seep through into this blog. So I pull away, I guess.

And as I pull away, I put my guard up. It's off and on right now. I'm learning how to be selectively close. I can't just put everything out there all the time or I'm likely to get burned again. I'm already over the flame anyway. I suppose taking time away from the flame in essence isn't a bad thing.

I sent an email to my ex a few nights ago. I got a response tonight. Basically he says he has no reason to keep in touch with me, that all we do is hurt each other. It hurt to read it, but I can't help but think he has a point. He sent me some really terrible lyrics to tell me it. By terrible I mean, mean. Chris was never good at cushioning a fall.

I'm supposed to do sushi with a friend tomorrow. It'll make the day go by faster. Johnny and I are supposed to do a date on Tuesday and I'm really excited about it. Dinner at least. I like it when we do that sort of stuff. It makes me feel closer to him, and special.

I'm not tired yet. I wish I was. It's 3am. I was only asleep for about 8 hours so I don't know why I'm not. The true trick of insomnia. I can hear Nick snoring away in the room next to me too, and I know Missy is asleep cuz she was in here complaining when the folks woke her up when they got home. This is why I'm really hoping everything works out and I get out of here July first as planned.

Exploring the city tonight was nice. The weather is getting warmer. I wandered down post alley and into a theater. Managed to time it so I arrived just as a cast party was starting. Spoke to some of the actors. Met the current owner and got a tour of the place. Even got to see the parts they say are haunted. Maybe I'll look into performing there. It's an improv theater. I love and miss improv. I think it would be fun. It's something to consider anyway. Let's keep our options open.

I keep striking the wrong keys when I type. My muscles get this strange striking motions in my hands. It only happens at night, and usually only when I'm typing. It's like they are mad at me for trying to focus the energy they have on typing and react or something. It's happened 5 times this paragraph alone. It's driving me crazy. Some nights my hands just shake for no reason. It's stuff to tell the special st at the end of the month I guess. I remember when the insomnia started at 17. I remember when the pain started at 23. I remember the first blood abnormalities at 25, and now at 26 I'm experiencing things in my hands. The things I need for music. I'm hoping this is a slow progression or a really fast one. Whatever is going on.

Meanwhile Flash is working on learning new material of mine. They want to rework the set list for the shows after summer. I'm cool with this- but I'm going to be busy writing tunes. I just want to get a chance to see Portland again soon. I'm not sure what's going on with the tour right now. Oliver (the bassist)has said some things that lead me to believe it will get post postponed again, or maybe even cancelled. Sigh. We'll see.

Ok, I'm gunna watch the movie and figure out what to put down my throat to sleep tonight. I actually slept 3 nights this week without pills. I was amazed. I'll never sleep here without anything, without my Johnny.

Here's hoping all my blogland peeps sleep well too.