Saturday, February 5, 2011

From Me

I went to the hospital on Thursday @10am. Turns out the person who is supposed to be doing my intake and keeping track of my shit quit uncerimoniously, so I have to go back in Monday morning to start over. Nobody even called to let me know. I thought that was kind of shitty, but whatever.

Meanwhile I've been working, and doing my share of thinking. A lot about love/dating, and a lot about life.

I'd go more into it, but I booked a show tonight I need to oversee in Everett. Then I'm checking out a new band, then hoping over to finish the night at the Merc. Haven't drank in days.
In other weird news I got a refill on my blessed apricot mistress, (aka Xanie) and it really worked yesterday. I slept for 12 hours, and woke up feeling healthier and happier in I can't remember how long. I'd kill to feel like that everyday.

I know what I am doing now is for my own good, and I'm keeping to my own newly imposed rules for my life.
I can't wait to have my room back when Ian leaves, surprisingly. Not that I want Ian to leave, but it will be nice to be able to shut myself in my room alone with my music and really let the weight of what's happening sink in. My life is changing, for better or for worse. My plans have been suspended. Now is a time for transformation and I can either adopt gracefully or be stubborn about it.

I remember what I felt like 6 months ago. I don't feel that anymore, but there is a profound sense of lonliness at times. I am sad that I can't talk to some of the people I used to rely on anymore. Especially my best friend from high school Bevin. I've been trying to reach her to no avail for at least 4 months now. I realize I may have started mourning that relationship. I can't make someone stay in my life. I just wish I understood what was going on.
I send out texts randomly to others to test the waters, usually to silence.
I wonder what I've done.
I want to make everything right, if it's even possible.
It makes me utterly thankful for the people I have in my life now that I realize are people that truly are there for me. I love this ragged band of characters more than I can possibly say. Soon, I think, everyone will know my truth.

Til then, this is an interlude. I have a crazy night ahead of me. I must sleep a little. I will write again soon.

From the bottom of my full heart. Some parts bruised, other parts healing, some remaining strong.

1 comment:

  1. Life is hard. You are doing your best. Hang in there.

    You are loved.

    ReplyDelete