News (pre pill)

Lapse in posts again. I'm censoring what I say which feels sort of wrong, but I'm intentionally not trying to hurt or say anything hurtful. Plus I was sick. Plus I was busy hehe. Now I'm waiting for pills to kick in which could happen anytime.

Johnny and I had our one year anniversary we went to dinner and had some wine. We are spending a lot of time together. The days sort of drift into each other. I miss him when we're apart. I finally got a parking spot in his garage so I stop getting parking tickets. With that off my mind I worry about other things.

Back up. Johnny had a practice show at the Rondesvouz which was an absolute blast. My new friend Debbie came out and we danced and laughed and drank, and when I left her alone with my other friends she jumped right in and chatted with everyone like a pro while I left her for a few minutes to greet some other friends. I always get concerned about introducing new people because I'm such a butterfly, so if they continue socializing on their own I'm utterly impressed and she impressed me. Johnny sent Amber an email that week basically getting some stuff off of our collective chests about her behavior. I'm sure she took it as daggers, which resulted in her actually being almost friendly to me again. It shocked me. Made my night easier. I hate animosity. Being around her tries on my soul because of what happens and continues to happen. So when she makes an effort I have to reassess everything which I don't mind doing, and better yet would rather do. I don't want to be tied in nots over anything so stupid. If she could treat me well, I would feel less protective of J, and of myself.

I got sick right before. Quite sick. I went to the doctor twice in 2 days. Not sleeping allowed my immune system to run a muck and put me down with a virus. The first sore throat I've had since I was ten. Tried to stay positive through it, and made it to the show even though I felt like dog shit. Had sushi with Maria before and heard her observations of what she's seen so far. It kind of broke my heart, but I needed to hear it.

Then as I logged onto my compter one morning, my good friend from high school Orrin's mom logged on to tell me that Orrin had killed himself. Another friend. 3 now, in such close fashion. I was shocked. I cried a few tears and tried to move on. I didn't want Johnny to see me fall apart. I'm going to his memorial back on the island. God that kid was a card. Smart as a whip and funny as hell. I miss him very much right now. We had some good times.

Anyway, because of the illness I missed one of my band practices which lead to them asking today what was wrong and I decided to flat out tell them about the Lupus and how sometimes I have it under control, and sometimes I don't. We practiced for 5 hours, and I'm starting to feel ready for this huge show on Saturday. And then we're filming a music video on Sunday. I have to get a haircut between now and then, and practice more. I've been dieting and lost 5 lbs. Would be more if I could quit boozing.

I've been trying to write but it's mostly abstract. I'm painting though.

Sometime last week I dropped a glass in a bar. It was at the Hula so everything was cool. I wasn't that drunk yet but my hands had started to shake. And then again yesterday a bottle of wine in the grocer. I felt it slipping and went to recover but was too late. Moments like that scare me. I try and laugh it off but inside I'm thinking about what it means. I'm gunna avoid carrying glass as much as possible.

I was referred to the pulminary clinic on Monday. I guess they want to start treating this thing seriously.

I ache to meet new people. I'm itching to try something new. I want the weather to change so I can be one with my city again. There are other things I want but I believe those should be left for a future entry.

Johnny and I are going shopping tomorrow which makes me happy- it's a day time thing we can do together. Not just go to bars at night, and spend the day in while he plays computer and I entertain myself.

I started reading a book on the ethical dilemmas when it comes to life and the brain. It's pretty good. The other book I'm reading "The End of Suffering" makes me cry. It frustrates me that I understand and accept the book and principals fully but that I've never really met anyone else who has. Maybe Dean. Anyway... I wish compassion was more readily available.

Ok, pills are tugging on me I think. I'll write soon. I'm sure I'll have lots after the weekend.