Just a Phase?

I'm alive. Uninspired lately. I bet tonight that I could take the whole bottle I have left of Lunesta and still stay awake. My eyes hurt. I can't keep them open for long, but my brain still races on repeating song lyrics, going over conversations, wondering about my realtionship. Sometimes I think about my past and get caught in that cycle, which puts me in a dark place.

But J and I went to the pet store today to look at guinea pigs, and to get bathing wipes for his cat. Then I played Civ 4 all day.

I hung out with Annie on Tuesday before I came here and I realize I kinda miss calling up someone at the last second and heading to a bar with your crew, being silly. I get to do my karaoke wednesday thing, but it's planned. I love the people who go, but they aren't the kind of people I can call up last second and go anywhere with. Or like... Just heading to the merc by myself on Fridays, knowing I'd see that crowd there. I'd love if Johnny came, but it's not really his scene.
People have grown up in ways. I have to hang out with someone and their sig other, and that started with Bevin. We're not as close anymore because Josh became her best friend. That's the way it should be, but I miss her. (I'm guilty. I drag J everywhere. I want everyone to love him as much as I do. He's great.)

And now my friends are having kids and that basically ends the friendship. I can't keep the hours they do, so hanging out is fucking difficult for me. There is at the very least a roll party in the works in the near future, and I can't tell you how needed that is. I hate that I'm so jaded right now. Walls are up. I need to reconnect with that inner part of me to hash it out. I don't want this to harden me. I don't want to not trust people for ever. I hope this is just a phase I'm going through.
Speaking of the kid thing- a noticable fact- my childhood friend Libby is pregnant, and is going in to be induced tomorrow, as is a different friend Ben. His wife Lisa is as well. It gives me a weird feeling inside because this is about the time I would have to, if circumstances had been different. Not that it's regret, it's not. But it def stirs up some PTSD stuff for me. I guess I'm opting to live the way I want.

Anyway, I need to roll. Recenter. Love myself again, and reconnect with that part of me. It's a spiritual experience. Ethelia and I connect best on it as well. It lets me know more about my life path. She's wise, you know? She knows the plan and what's best for me.

I'm gunna try and sleep. My room mate post got deleted so I guess I'll rewrite that next. Love to you all. Stay strong.