Music;Job;Life;Lyrics

The lull in posts hasn't been a bad thing.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately. Not a night without some sort of thing to do. Work or otherwise. Shows, the usual karaoke.

Was in California for part of my silence. That was the worst vacation ever. Spent it with a very weepy mother. That's all I want to say on that front.

The thing I do want to talk about is how I landed a producer and now I'm going to make a solo album. I've spent a lot of this time writing new material of which is varied. Haunting Me and Romanticide will def be on the album, as will Running all songs I wrote previously. Couldn't Stay is on track too. I'm thinking about a different version of Lullaby and Nothing too. That's 6 right there. I want 12. One will be a cover, the lyrics I'll post next I think. As I'm mapping all this out I'm realizing what an undertaking it will be. I still want to get on paper one good song that expresses the Chris stuff. Romanticide is partly about him though.
The basics will all be done in a loft studio downtown and the complicated stuff (including having someone come in and layer drum kits with real drums) will be done at a different location. I want this album to really show off different sides to what I like musically. Not screaming over Flash Suppressor style.
It feels good to know someone genuinely likes and respects my music, and expects to make some money on it.
I'd love to have a collaborator on some of the newer 6 songs, but my favorite local lyricist happens to be my ex. I also want a guest track. It would be cool to get Jon to do it. I'd have to see if he'd even be willing, all past aside. None of the songs are about him. He'd probably expect an appearance fee. I dunno if he'd do it for a friend for free since he's a business man too. Just thoughts rolling around in my head on the drawing board.

Also on the drawing board is getting 3 or 4 songs down on an E.P and then taking the music to the U.K and chasing down the radio stations, media, and such for about 3 weeeks. It's easier to break into the UK market than it is in here in America. The rules there are different when it comes to press kits and getting heard. Anyway, the producer knows someone over there that could very well be an in which is also exciting. I realize of course, it will take more than 3 weeks to accomplish what I'm hoping but the 3 weeks would be to feel out the market and make a strategy. We're looking into leaving around Feb 4th for that.

Meanwhile, this means I have to lose weight because there will have to be photography in the future. It also may mean some physical therapy for the back shit so it gets stronger so it looks less like, well, my back.

I wrote 2 songs alone today and it's the first day I've ever written 2 songs in a day ever. One I will go ahead and post here, it's called "One Step Tonight" and the other I'll save to post when I'm ready is called "Stranger."
"My Sweetest Ache" is stuck in me somewhere, but I tapped into a short lived feeling for that. I don't want to fake the rest of where that came from so we'll see where it goes.

I just want this album to be about you know, the process of getting broken, falling in love, making decisions, finding yourself, and all of it from a real place. I don't want to compromise any lyric, any moment, any feeling.

I realize as with anything this could be a foray into failure, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And it's a huge undertaking. I also have to be proud of myself for putting myself out there and having someone say they want to take a chance on me. I realize what a big part of chance networking is, getting the right people out, knowing how to get them out. Selling yourself.

I'm growing everyday and surrrounding myself with people I truly care for. I think now is really the time to focus on music and myself and sort of let the relationship shit go to the wayside. I think back of dealing with all the drama of the last 2 relationships and it's exhausting.
Somehow hearing Chris got married after the initial shock and sudo anger wore off I realized he actually set me free. There are no more questions anymore. It explains every behavior, every false start attempt at friendship, and all the shit I was working out about what we were exactly after everything ended. I am literally free and clear and alone. And for the first time with him, that's ok.

J is a different story entirely. I'm working through all the feelings I have about what happened with us through writing, and of course, in therapy all though so far we've mostly talked about my mom big shocker. I don't have anger towards Johnny, or lingering questions about his behavior. I'm aware of what I feel for him and that's just wanting him to be happy. At this point my only question is if in fact he will ever speak to me again. And if he's doing all this silence for self preservation. I mean, initially that's why I needed it myself. But I'm not sitting around being weak about it anymore. I'm doing the work my therapist is telling me to do. I'm practicing confronting people when I feel like they've violated my boundaries by their behavior. Even if it takes awhile to do it, doing it at all is a step in the right direction.
Relearning a behavioral pattern is so hard. I hate confrontation still, but I finally realize a lot of the abandonment I have had has come from the fact that I've tried to avoid it and hell, if people are gunna leave anyway (and it's possible they still will) I may as well put up a fight for myself. At least then I can look back and say I did what I did for me.

With the album in the works I feel more worth while. I feel more confident. I am more forgiving of my sick days.

I still very much miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. It's been great to meet new people, but it doesn't really get easier to sleep alone, though I've stopped couch surfing as much. Don't know if I mentioned staying on Camano for the Holiday, and that was actually super awesome. Dad and I got up early and had coffee and breakfast then chased down some trumpeter swans. They fly in from Russia and it's a rare sort of swan you only see here and in Russian apparently. It was actually pretty cool. Then Tami and I dragged him to see Burlesque, which I was surprised to find he liked.

The next night was one of the best shows I've ever seen as far as a local band goes, so I'm throwing a Christams party at their next show on the 19th @ The Sunset. Then Ashley and I are throwing a pre Xmas shindig in Utah when I go down. Mom really had to barter to get me down this year. After the last I wasn't inclined to go.

I got to meet James Apollo who is a musician I admire very much two weeks ago, so that was great. He said he'd keep in touch through facebook and I'm stoked to be in contact.

Also landed a job as an open mic host. Pretty damn cool. More freedom than karaoke hosting, though a totally different vibe. Plus the bar owner and I get on really well. I've got all sorts of ideas to try and help his bar bring in more revenue.

This is my little idiotic life. And I'm living it my way. That's all for now people. I'm fighting off a cold so that I can start in the studio this week. So I'm back to resting, if not sleeping. Then it's back to work on something.

Love sent into the universe.