Done

I got some bad news at the doctor the other day. I'm not terribly upset about it. I was for about five minutes, then I shrugged and realized there's nothing I can do to change it, so let's just go with it. In happy-ish news however, they will likely take my ass of the ambien and put me back on Xanax which makes this chick stoked. I love Xanies cuz they work well. Plus I don't act weird on them. They don't leave time for it.

So... This part is where I rant for a moment. Please take it at face value.

I took Amber of my facebook updates about 2 weeks ago because I really got tired of what she was saying. I stopped wanting to know. All it was doing was hurting me, and in turn hurting my relationship with J which likely is exactly the point. I have never hated her- I've felt a lot of emotions for that person, but hate was never one.
But I'll be damned if she isn't trying hard to get me to hate her.
I found out days after the post that she had said some shit which was a lie, and I'm positive directed at me. It implied that I read her and J's conversation on messenger.
That implies a few things, none of which are good. Most disturbingly that I don't trust Johnny. First off I do. Secondly, that she thinks I care about her drivel directed at him. I know it's rare he responds to what she's saying. I have a general idea of the stuff she says, based on conversations Johnny and I have had. None of it is earth shattering, or worth my time. Thirdly that she is willing to take that drama to the public. Especially to the 20 something friends we have in common. They aren't stupid. They know it was directed at me. I will say this:
When she has popped up on messenger and I'm sitting there I will sometimes close the window out. I don't want to even see her name somedays. I really honestly don't need to know how much she loves him, thus I've stopped reading her updates. All they do is piss me off generally anyway.
I will also say I've drafted in my head an email many times directed at her which I've never written down. And finally after debating whether or not to do so and send it- I've decided to be the bigger person. And ignore it. If she wants to passive aggressively and accuse me of shit so be it. Johnny doesn't need an e war between 2 chicks essentially fighting over him. How fucking lame is that. Besides, I have him. She doesn't. She's jealous. And apparently vindictive. (I will say with friends like her, he doesn't need enemies. More to the point someone who uses the term 'bff' which frankly sounds like a twitard phrase anyway.) Someone who was once my "friend" continues to hurt me continually, just as she did when we were "friends." I hope people see that the reason I stopped being her friend was because I finally saw through it. She didn't care about me or my happiness. Just her selfish motives. This isn't me saying catty shit either, let's be clear. This is the ONLY place I'm saying this. I haven't even said anything to J. It would just cause a fight.
I'm really at the end of my teather with her. The snap is coming. I swear to God if I catch her rolling her eyes at me once more or talking down at me... I have been the bigger person in this, the whole time. But you can only push me so far. I have respected her. Her space. Her time with J (though I haven't always liked it.) I have given her the benefit of the doubt. I think that chapter is closed. I did my damndest, I really did. As I said I don't hate, I'm just done dude.

It's 3:30, I'm supposed to have been to bed thirty minutes ago. I'm out of pills. Trying to keep to a schedule. I'm also home tonight with my boyfriend sleep aide, so that makes it harder too. Alastair contacted me today too, he's been going through some rough stuff and asked if I'd come keep him company. I agreed. So I spent a couple hours there watching bad music videos, doing laundry and conversating. He smoked some weed and drank. I opted to do neither. Went home round midnight and talked to Lauren for awhile. Apparently her band and Johnny's band are going to play a show on Saturday together at a venue I really like, so it'll be a few social circles in one place. I like those days.

I'm always with words to say still when I start winding down the entries. One day I'm gunna write an epic blog. Soon. But I'm in too much pain tonight to keep going. Time to call the doc for more codeine I guess. I was hoping to do without. Ahh well. There are worse things.