Drunk

Drunk.

Yes, drunk drunk drunk.

Whatever.

California had a few moments. They were lovely. And a lot not.

Bah. Humbug.

Had fun moments with my friends tonight. Drowned my troubles in vodka (as usual.)

Put the old ring on my finger. Reminisced about times I was someone people wanted.

Have to go to my therapist tomorrow. Maybe that's why I'm writing drunk. Not sure exactly what to say... Kinda fell apart last time. Exposed more than ever about my past... Now that the withdrawl is (mostly) under control I probably can keep it in check. ((Spirit First))

Making new friends is great. The fucking cold I picked up in Cali? Killed me for a few days. I'm still sick. This is me teaching myself how to fight through immune problems. Meh. It still sucks.

Positivity to come tomorrow. Seriously. I'm not down tonight, I just forgot what it is I wanted to say on the positive end of things. I'll write more when I figure it out. Muah!

Medication woes

I distinctly remember writing an entry about the hell that has been my life the last week. I guess I deleted it. Probably for the best. I wasn't in my right mind. I remember thinking the entry didn't make much sense.

I was withdrawing like a motherfucker. I tried to go cold turkey off the Xanax. Uuuh, yeah apparently that's a bad idea. I was in a constant 24 hour a day panic attack, not to mention the hot and cold, and zero concentration. Plus my sleep was just a mess. I was feeling suicidal which apparently is a side effect as well. This went on for SEVEN DAYS. Til today actually. I even had the flu-like symptoms on occasion junkies have. That was a first.

Now, to add insult to injury I went to see my sleep doctor to ask him to help me ween off of it properly. I have to be in California Monday and I wasn't going if I continued to feel that way. Dr Green said he didn't feel comfortable treating my anxiety, since that wasn't his job. Then sent me on my way and said I was my primary care physicians problem now. I couldn't believe it. I was devestated. I was panicked. I called and made an apt the next day for a doctor, since my primary care doc is on maternity leave. I knew I was rolling the dice big time.

But Dr. Marshall listened patiently, actually EXPRESSED SYMPATHY and said that she had trouble sleeping too and knows how hard it makes life. Then she not only gave me a smaller dose of Xanax, but something to treat anxiety long term, and another non-addictive sleep med. Since my whole goal in starting this experiment was to be off Xanax and Ambien forever. I just realize now I can't cut it cold turkey like I did with cigs and any other drug. I thought I was strong enough... But apparently this had a greater hold than I had assessed.

My room mate Tyler and I have really been bonding. It's been nice to have someone to hang with when I'm up for it.
The other night we shared a bottle of wine and stayed up talking until like, 8am. He told me a lot of really personal stuff and I have to say it's the first conversation like that I've had in awhile. It was nice. Just... Talking. I mean, obviously it's not going anywhere. Tyler's wife Steph is amazing and I respect them both and their relationship. It's just a relief to know I can still can connect with someone on a more personal level then just the surface stuff I only allow these days.
Plus, I confided in him about what was really going on with the withdrawl and he gave me some muscle relaxers which greatly assisted in one nights sleep. I mean, he genuinely wanted to help me. Take care of me almost. Said he admired what I was doing even though it was nuts, hehe. It's rare I've ever seen such compassion from a man. He's got a good heart. I really lucked out finding this place.

The downside besides the really sick I was feeling was not getting much work done the last week. I have a lot of emails I have to reply to and I need to make some calls tonight to make sure all my bands I've booked for the week I'm gone are set, since I wont be there to oversee anything or run PAs. Then I gotta send out emails for the June shows. And get a hard confirm about the date for Travis. Bleh. It piles up when you take the time off.

Anyway... I'm finally looking forward to LA. :) Bought the latest Boomkat album and am enjoying it immensly.

And am just really glad for this moment I'm calm and back to me. Let's hope the actual ween down works better than my stupid-ass plan of just quitting. One step closer to being the healthier me I want to be.

Sincerely, K

I built this house
but it fell down
before I got one night of sleep
So how does that beat all the fools who never tried?
They missed the moon
in rented rooms,
traded stories over food
I worked alone,
broke my bones
with all my pride
I desired royal attire,
so I acquired the emperor's skin
held a parade & begged the world to look inside-
I wanted fame, 'cause I thought fame could prove to me
that I was great
it never came;
I was a failure to myself
It's the way of the world to swallow you alive
The way of the world to swallow you alive

Spirit first.

It's been so long
singing songs
I couldn't possibly still mean
i guess they're lies
if they've lost the truth they had
and it's so hard to get well,
writing postcards home from Hell
I'd rather pack; I'd rather leave this all...
It's the way of the world to swallow you alive
the way of the world to swallow you alive

Spirit first.

Whoa, Whoa, I give up
Whoa, Whoa, I give up Ooo - ooooh
I give up.

You get one life, and I spend mine
chasing highways made of ghosts
now I don't know the way home from where I stand
And I believed I was free,
til I forgot what I believed
now I don't even need chains to hold me down...

- - - Sincerely, K

Bad food

I'm writing you at a sensible 6pm, instead of my usual 2am-6am time frame.

I'm writing because I am EXCITED to go to the Central tonight. Excited to dress up, listen to some good rock, and hang out.

I'm excited to meet new people. I'm excited to live. I expect I'll have fun.

But, my last blood results are STILL being processed. I can't imagine this is a good sign.

I've also been doing research not on how to lengthen my time, but on how to feel better in general. As it turns out... I eat EVERY WRONG FOOD for Lupus apparently. Ha! I guess the MSG in soy sauce for sushi activates an enzyme in my stomach that MAKES MY STOMACH SICK. If this is the cause for my nausea I'm gunna be so pissed. (And still eat it, but less often.) Also POTATOES are really bad.
Oh man, as I was reading this my heart kept sinking. Liquor is five ways from fucked. (Ok, I cut back in October, and fluctuate in my drinking patterns now, but I guess I'm gunna cut back again after the weekend, and keep my solo wine nights at bay for awhile and see how it helps.) Cheese is bad, and red meat is actually GOOD, but it has to be lean and in moderation.

One positive thing: No alfalfa sprouts. Heh. That's cool I don't eat those anyway.

Anyway, I have to eat carbs because carbs make things easier to process on my kidneys. I suppose that's exciting. Maybe I can still eat rice haha. Mmm... Maybe I should find some teriyaki.
And as I'm typing that out I'm thinking to myself doesn't teriyaki sauce contain soy sauce plus a few things? ISN'T THAT FIRST THING I JUST WROTE?

Man I suck at this game. :)

Guess I'll stick to pasta.

Anyway, another open mic Tuesday. My last one til I get back from exciting LA. :D Maybe I'll finish up the new song by then. I still need a real idea, and not just scratch lyrics.

Blah, blah, blah. :) Time to start my run. Then shower. Then off to rock! Looks like Abi and Gavin are coming- as is my new friend Lars from LA aka Dj Introcut. That may turn out to be a fruitful contact not just for LA, but he's also starting his own business and he spins trance. He also spins at the Merc on occasion.
My bestie Jay is heading out too, after he finishes with the underground tour.

Peeeeeeace.

Different Thought

I want to add in a completely different thought that:

If you read my poem, and it disturbed you- I was going through a rough patch in the stages of dealing with everything.

I'm on my own, in a new place, working by myself, and my stable rotation of friends seems to be changing a bit because people are getting into relationships all around me. It leads me to fall back on myself in moments of weakness...

And we all know I blog more in moments of weakness because writing out my thoughts is therapy for me. I never found a better way to self soothe. Perhaps I'll ask Joanne about that next time I'm there.

Anyway- my new place is amazing, I'm adjusting, but I'm not sleeping well at all even with the pills (both Xanax, and ambien.) However, I absolutely ADORE my new roomates and the set up we have.

I'm stoked to be going to California, the details have been arranged and set in motion. (Business contacts! Cross your fingers for me!)

I ate some amazing Greek food last night, and threw a party at my place that ran til 4am yesterday.

The band I manage is holding their second cd release at the High Dive in June, and now that we have that set in place I'll be working on setting up their northern tour for Summer. I guess I get to find out what kind of a negotiator I can be. Last night's party was sort of a listening party, and I got some great feedback. :) I'm excited for this part, as I've never done it before. I imagine, like the rest, I'll find it exciting and new, and manage somehow.

Still have 3 dates left to book at different venues for April, even though I won't be able to oversee a week's worth of them.

I started writing a new song yesterday, and something came through that hasn't really happened for me ever: my dark chords in my verses turn downright positive in the choruses. I want to write of something other than heartache. I'm tired of doing the same old thing. (Thanks to one of my Pig N Whistle family members for being able to open my eyes to some things.)

And, weirdly, I'm drinking a Merlot tonight instead of a Reisling.

Anyway. That's it. Going back to my littile idiotic life. :)

S.L.A.A

It's hard to imagine love being a disease, but in essence, it can be.

An aquaintence of mine began waxing on the reasons he's remaining celibate through April. Frankly at first I was curious as to why this person was revealing all of, what you assume to be private information. But as his (long winded) conversation rolled on he continually used the phrases "do you understand what I'm saying?" and "that's not crazy, right?"
I obliged, but realized what he was seeking from me was validation, almost like he wanted my permission his actions were ok. Why did he care about my opinion so already?
About thirty minutes into his almost one sided chat I started paying attention and realized what I was speaking to was another un-self aware sex addict. Now, I don't have his sexual history to go off of, but his reasons, his need to explain his actions and seek understanding and approval, and his main excuse of "work is stressful and I take it out in my sex life and it increasingly has bad consequences" were all code for: Do I need to get help, or is my celebacy going to be enough?

I guess sometimes when your shit gets so bad, you are willing to share it with an almost total stranger. So I listened, I got irritated, then I listened harder. When he finally more or less asked me what I thought he should do, or if his fast was wise, I told him that the celebacy without realizing the behavior for why he was becoming celebate to begin with was useless. He needed real time for self reflection, therapy, and likely meetings. He asked if I'd ever attended and I told him I had.
I gave him the very basics (as I'm not willing to share all the details with anyone at this point) as to how I decided I should try it, what I got out of it, how long I went for and why I stopped. I think more than anything he was relieved to hear someone say "you're not crazy."
I think my letting him ramble was simply something he needed, and others had either dismissed the conversation (likely his "bros") or shushed him so he never got the validation he was seeking.

I guess the only real thing I took away from the meetings was that I did in fact have a problem with love, which translated into a problem with sex. But when I realized I couldn't get anything more sitting around in that enviornment, hashing out the beginnings of a fledgling understanding, I opted to stop.
When my relationship ended I went into full on withdrawls.
Ha.
It seems so stupid, really.

I did everything I could to make "my drug" feel it was ok to stay in touch, because even if I couldn't have him in an intimate sense anymore, going cold turkey off of something that intense is pure, unadulterated torture.
And so I fell. I fell for a long time...

I fell into a few desperate phonecalls. I fell into a complete nervous system failure that led my lupus to flare up, which landed me in the hospital. I went home and fell into a person I no longer knew. I didn't think there was anything worse. In fact, I knew there wasn't. I had made myself sick. I do not blame anyone but myself. I want to make that perfectly clear.

My next phonecall was for help. 2 weeks later I was sitting on a couch telling someone and an intern my life story, and how my ass had landed on that couch to begin with. As in 95% of women in recovery, part of my story began with sexual abuse. Eventually the intern excused herself as I watched tears well in her eyes listening to my story. I wondered how fucked up I really was. I wondered if there really any help anyone could offer, or if I would end up another statistic. I wondered how long it would be until I would feel like myself again.

Meanwhile I found my next "fixation." Dating was not on my agenda, nor was having any physical connection of any kind with anyone. I knew it could easily make me sick, or draw out my old demons, and in fact, it eventually did. But luckily(sarcastically) he was a predator. Another addict. He was self aware. He was also a complete asshole. Even though he knew what he was capable of, he was not remorseful, nor did he want help. Eventually he ended our friendship with the words "I think you're just too nice for me."

Point in fact, I definetely was.

I was sickened at the fact he had drawn me in so quickly. Was that something I did too? Did he see too much of himself in me? Longing for that connection? Wanting to confirm that connection in the most basic ways?
By stopping the train early, by knowing now how easily a train like that could break me, I had learned something. I began to realize I was learning quickly.

Therapy became my meeting, only in these meetings I had feedback. I was taught the beginnings of making boundaries. The boundaries that had never been set in motion, not because I didn't respect myself enough, but because I was afraid having boundaries would make people leave me.

Then she said the thing that resonates with me, I may never forget: "If everyone leaves anyway, why not tell them exactly how you feel?"
As in maybe my not having boundaries made it easy for me to be walked on. (Shit, yeah. I know I've been a doormat. I KNOW it's not sexy. I didn't know how to change it.)
People leave people they don't respect. My niceness in an effort to never hurt anyone, lest they pushed away sooner, was in my way.

So I began to slowly change my behaviors, and try out this new approach. I wasn't crazy about it. Some people in my life went away. People that were used to the old me.

I focused on creating what is now "Sparrow Music." When I would meet people it was solely for business contacts. It made things clear in my mind, and I needed clear.

When someone would cross my path that sparked an interest I began a real, serious assesment of whether or not that person would be good for me. I always landed on the answer 'no' and moved on. I refused to become attached.

Even though I doubt I will ever fully be able to kick the habit, as love is such a crazy amazing feeling when everything is going right, I am able to follow my brain down that path now, and not my heart, my addiction, or lust. It doesn't mean I have to abstain forever. It just means for now, I'm either not ready or I am finally learning quickly what things will be more healthy in a relationship for me. I am also following the rules that are the groundwork for finding people that aren't that interested in me... And not getting attached, and moving on, back to work, and back to my life.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been through the horror of sexual abuse can fully understand what it does to a female (or in the asshole's case, a male- let me clarify while I empathize, I do not condone he continues with the behavior created, and I hope for his sake and anyone who crosses his path that he eventually gets some fucking therapy).
But while the damage is done, and getting people to understand and accept my shit is an uphill battle, I hope someday that there is someone out there for me who will love all of me, even the broken parts. Who can listen to me talk, pull the hair from my face and look me in the eyes as I divulge my most secret self, and accept that while love can be dangerous, I am willing to take that chance on him.
It doesn't always have to be romanticide. I just have to make some behavioral adjustments, admit to myself honestly whether what I'm doing is addictive behavior, and take action in either direction. (Though the leaving may be painful, and seemingly impossible, I have to keep my network of friends strong, and my work to fall back on.)

I hope my aquaintence finds exactly what he's looking for, but he's going to have to admit to himself what that is first.

I hope I find what I'm looking for too, but only when I'm ready enough to hold onto it. When it's meant to be. When the universe finally gives my heart a safe place to rest for a time, and for the first time ever, it completely does.

GN Love

So...

I moved. :D

And my new place is amazing. Separate entrance. 2 years old.
And, as a cruel joke, I met the perfect third for Johnny and I tonight. Abi. She's beautiful. She's not tall blond or skinny, but she is average height, beautiful build, and gorgeous face. I know Johnny would have dug her. Seriously. As far as *that* was concerned. Damn, sometimes you wish you could just offer shit. No strings attached.

Anyway, life is what it is.

Tomorrow I'm putting up black out shades. I have to go to Target to buy a large mirror, and I have my open mic. Abi's coming. I'm happy to be playing some tunes again. And in 3 weeks I should have a new tune. I'm working on a piano cover of 'Doll Parts' by Hole.

Anyway I'm SO HAPPY to be in my new place. My life so far is... Adventurous. Met the roomies, played some music, ventured to a fairly new spot. Worked a few good hours this morning, planned an bill for one of my bars for April. Rehearsed for my open mic tomorrow. Now I'm watching Dexter and getting ready for pills.

So far, so good.

Let's hope it doesn't change.

For now anyway.

I wish people could see me for who I am now.

Who is the girl watching Dexter and focusing on work tomorrow.

*yawns to you*

Gooodnight love