So...
Here is where I wish the whole truth lay but I'm afraid I can't disclose everything.
I was in the hospital again Tuesday. I'm going back to SLC for the weekend on the 7th. I'm going to be out on Camano with my Dad as soon as it works out for awhile. Dad wants me near while I'm going through this. It'll be nice to be around him again.
I'm mad at my body. I'm mad at this depression stage in the middle of everything. I'm tired of crying. I miss myself. I fucking wish I knew how to fix what's going on.
I've been honest with my bassist Josh and asked him to keep it on the dl for now. Since it's going to affect the future of the band. I couldn't be more upset about that.
For now I'm shut up in my room, as I have been. If I get close to anyone at this point, I'll hurt them. I know my friends who are clued in even a little want to help me, but really there's nothing they can do. And of course there's always that deep seeded longing for... I don't know what he wants. I just ache and miss him every day. I hope he knows how much I care for him. Fuck, I say it all the time. That won't fade with time. He has so many people that care for him I wonder if he sees that as well. I'm a little jealous to be honest. It takes a lot to build a support system like that. Sometimes I think that he thinks love doesn't exist.
Hell I dunno... Maybe he's right. I know I feel it. Felt it. I know I've been broken in two by it. But I'm so easy to leave. Maybe that's because nobody can really feel it for me.
This isn't a "poor me" bit. This is genuine curiostiy. Maybe love only exists for some people. Maybe I had my shot and it's over and that's it.
I don't have enough walls built up. I'm sensitive to fucking everything. I'm tired. I wish I had the fuck you attitude I pretend to have sometimes when I'm drunk and fucking around. I like me better that way. But that's just me indulging in who I wish I was.
I'm exhausted. I need to take my pills and call my mother. My sister even spent some time texting me today. Strange times. When something ends it just means something else begins. But what if that beginning is the begining of an ending?
I'm returning to O Fins tomorrow I think. My memories there are happy. I spent a lot of time there in happier times. If I can feel that again for a few hours that'd be good.
Later. I wish I could limit myself to writing again only when I have something positive to say... But maybe tomorrow will provide that. If not we'll have to wait and see.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Fat ass
Chelsea's bday- first night out officially again.
Strange night.
Someone called me a fat ass.
Since I lost weight I find this interesting.
How much longer should I starve?
Just wondering.
No food til Brooklyn.
14 lbs now...
Strange night.
Someone called me a fat ass.
Since I lost weight I find this interesting.
How much longer should I starve?
Just wondering.
No food til Brooklyn.
14 lbs now...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
From the desk of a sarcastic bastard
(I just loved this.)
If I want to feature poetry on this blog, I damn well will! Any of my readers who don't like it, can fuck off. Go watch Jersey Shore instead! Go be an ignorant bitch. See if I give a shit.
Dirge Without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look,
the laughter, the love,
-- They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled Is the blossom.
Fragrant is the blossom.
I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
--Edna St. Vincent Millay
[Edna and I do not fucking approve, and our asses are not resigned.]
If I want to feature poetry on this blog, I damn well will! Any of my readers who don't like it, can fuck off. Go watch Jersey Shore instead! Go be an ignorant bitch. See if I give a shit.
Dirge Without Music
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look,
the laughter, the love,
-- They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled Is the blossom.
Fragrant is the blossom.
I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
--Edna St. Vincent Millay
[Edna and I do not fucking approve, and our asses are not resigned.]
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Off Planet
I'm back. For a sec.
I've been told to avoid any and all stress for the moment if at all possible. So I'm cooling my heels and taking it easy.
I've lost 13+ lbs in 2 weeks. I wish the circumstances were different, but the likelyhood this will continue is probable I'm told. (Not that I mind this particular aspect.)
I slept last night, straight through, no pills for 8 hours. It was the first time since I can remember. Before that though I was running on 2 hours a night.
I'm still having really intense nightmares. I'm not sure how to change that right now.
I'm wondering where to go now, and what to do from here. The future is wide open at this point. I tried too hard to push myself into new social situations though. Looking for work, not to mention other bands. My hormones were running amok since quitting the B.C. My blood pressure spiked. I broke. It was the perfect storm... So figuring out what my future holds and how to take care of myself so I don't make myself sick again is tricky. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm gunna do for an hour. That's how I have to do it right now. And eventually plan what I want for the time I have.
I've quit drinking as much. And by that I mean pretty much entirely. The last night I drank was 2 drinks.
I'm trying to slowly take the steps I need to get better and back to me. A different me. Better me. One that makes wiser decisions about friends. That doesn't do that pill thing around anyone else ever again. God I made some terrible mistakes with that. :(
I'm still not ready to be in the world again yet. I'm officially still OFF the face of the planet. I can't give anyone anything still. Yet.
I think about Johnny all the time. I hope all the time he's doing well and that he finds his way through this shit better than I am. I miss his friendship all the time too. I miss laughing everyday at least once. I'd settle for a laugh a week now... But these are dark definitive times. (Sanz Panda.)
Back to my plan. For the next hour I'm watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Then... Then I think I may try and sleep again. Tomorrow will be a hard day.
I've been told to avoid any and all stress for the moment if at all possible. So I'm cooling my heels and taking it easy.
I've lost 13+ lbs in 2 weeks. I wish the circumstances were different, but the likelyhood this will continue is probable I'm told. (Not that I mind this particular aspect.)
I slept last night, straight through, no pills for 8 hours. It was the first time since I can remember. Before that though I was running on 2 hours a night.
I'm still having really intense nightmares. I'm not sure how to change that right now.
I'm wondering where to go now, and what to do from here. The future is wide open at this point. I tried too hard to push myself into new social situations though. Looking for work, not to mention other bands. My hormones were running amok since quitting the B.C. My blood pressure spiked. I broke. It was the perfect storm... So figuring out what my future holds and how to take care of myself so I don't make myself sick again is tricky. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm gunna do for an hour. That's how I have to do it right now. And eventually plan what I want for the time I have.
I've quit drinking as much. And by that I mean pretty much entirely. The last night I drank was 2 drinks.
I'm trying to slowly take the steps I need to get better and back to me. A different me. Better me. One that makes wiser decisions about friends. That doesn't do that pill thing around anyone else ever again. God I made some terrible mistakes with that. :(
I'm still not ready to be in the world again yet. I'm officially still OFF the face of the planet. I can't give anyone anything still. Yet.
I think about Johnny all the time. I hope all the time he's doing well and that he finds his way through this shit better than I am. I miss his friendship all the time too. I miss laughing everyday at least once. I'd settle for a laugh a week now... But these are dark definitive times. (Sanz Panda.)
Back to my plan. For the next hour I'm watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Then... Then I think I may try and sleep again. Tomorrow will be a hard day.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Sarah is my Angel
Sarah is my angel...
Because she's explained things to me in a rational way.
Because she's answering my questions.
Because she'd being honest and open with her experiences.
Because she recognized something.
I didn't realize I had such a good friend. Thank God for her.
I think I'm ok.
I'm understanding the symptoms. I understand what I'm going through in a way that makes sense now. I was having real physical stuff going on. I was scared. I mean... I've never been there before. Felt that. What the hell was that?!?
I'm ok for now you guys. I don't want to give away too much, but Kate may be dissappearing for a little while. If at all possible not. But that was scary shit.
I may keep this private. It's really huge. And I believe in complete honesty; but this may need to be one for just me.
If you don't hear from me just know I'm gunna be ok. I just wasn't. Especially you SB. I'll send you an email if circumstances change.
I don't pray: but watch over Sarah; she just may have saved my life. (And not because I was going to kill myself.)What a fucker stress is...
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Because she's explained things to me in a rational way.
Because she's answering my questions.
Because she'd being honest and open with her experiences.
Because she recognized something.
I didn't realize I had such a good friend. Thank God for her.
I think I'm ok.
I'm understanding the symptoms. I understand what I'm going through in a way that makes sense now. I was having real physical stuff going on. I was scared. I mean... I've never been there before. Felt that. What the hell was that?!?
I'm ok for now you guys. I don't want to give away too much, but Kate may be dissappearing for a little while. If at all possible not. But that was scary shit.
I may keep this private. It's really huge. And I believe in complete honesty; but this may need to be one for just me.
If you don't hear from me just know I'm gunna be ok. I just wasn't. Especially you SB. I'll send you an email if circumstances change.
I don't pray: but watch over Sarah; she just may have saved my life. (And not because I was going to kill myself.)What a fucker stress is...
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Friday, September 17, 2010
Evanston
I remember getting the bright idea to do the weekend thing we did sometimes where we'd spend the day driving to Wyoming for Cloves.
We stopped for gas near Park City at those pumps that have the talking news. He'd gone inside for a candy bar and when he came back and it started talking it startled him so much he threw the candy bar at it.
His expression was timeless. I giggled out loud. I was happy we were together again. I didn't mind it when we laid around and had intense conversations. And we did that pretty frequently. We were intense people, and driven by each other and our passions we became more intense. We loved it at this point. We were certain of our future together. We wanted each other. It was the singular moment in time I knew for certain I was the only girl he had.
That weekend though I wanted us to get out. Get air. Spend some time debating each other in the car as usual on Depeche Mode lyrics, or just hold hands and joke around about life and our friends, and our plans for October and forever. He told me he dreamt of it sometimes. He dreamt as often as I did, and could recall his dreams beter than I. I don't know how much of it was true, but it was romantic and I didn't care about the fantasies he spun. I cared only about the hurtful lies. I actually loved the fantasies.
That day was not to be at all as I expected. We were talking about the future and at some point I started talking about when he was going to finalize his divorce. He was practically living at my place at that point. Taking my car to work everyday. It set him off as it always did and we spent part of the drive fighting. We were over it by the time we got to Evanston. We got to the cigarette store excited as could be. That was until I realized I'd locked the keys in my car. I'd told no one where we were going and we were in a completely different state. He told me not to panick. So we waited for the cops to show and put the hanger in the car to pop the lock. We sat jovial again smoking our beloved cloves, his a black- mine a menthol.
When we got back into the car an hour later we stopped at the diner in town for dinner. It was the one and only time I've smoked in a restaurant. It was liberating. I bought a shot glass in the diner that day and we walked across the street to the bar hooked to the liquor store. We played pool and somebody put Nickelback on the jukebox. He beat me, as he always did. And we drank Jager bombs as we always did. It was such a day.
On the drive home I realized I'd gone through half of the cloves I bought as I twirled my ring on my finger. Holding the cig out the window I felt the cool night air brushing my hand. Sleep Theif played quietly in the background and I was content. We were headed home together and had survived not only an argument but a misadventure.
It was one of our last, but I loved it.
We stopped for gas near Park City at those pumps that have the talking news. He'd gone inside for a candy bar and when he came back and it started talking it startled him so much he threw the candy bar at it.
His expression was timeless. I giggled out loud. I was happy we were together again. I didn't mind it when we laid around and had intense conversations. And we did that pretty frequently. We were intense people, and driven by each other and our passions we became more intense. We loved it at this point. We were certain of our future together. We wanted each other. It was the singular moment in time I knew for certain I was the only girl he had.
That weekend though I wanted us to get out. Get air. Spend some time debating each other in the car as usual on Depeche Mode lyrics, or just hold hands and joke around about life and our friends, and our plans for October and forever. He told me he dreamt of it sometimes. He dreamt as often as I did, and could recall his dreams beter than I. I don't know how much of it was true, but it was romantic and I didn't care about the fantasies he spun. I cared only about the hurtful lies. I actually loved the fantasies.
That day was not to be at all as I expected. We were talking about the future and at some point I started talking about when he was going to finalize his divorce. He was practically living at my place at that point. Taking my car to work everyday. It set him off as it always did and we spent part of the drive fighting. We were over it by the time we got to Evanston. We got to the cigarette store excited as could be. That was until I realized I'd locked the keys in my car. I'd told no one where we were going and we were in a completely different state. He told me not to panick. So we waited for the cops to show and put the hanger in the car to pop the lock. We sat jovial again smoking our beloved cloves, his a black- mine a menthol.
When we got back into the car an hour later we stopped at the diner in town for dinner. It was the one and only time I've smoked in a restaurant. It was liberating. I bought a shot glass in the diner that day and we walked across the street to the bar hooked to the liquor store. We played pool and somebody put Nickelback on the jukebox. He beat me, as he always did. And we drank Jager bombs as we always did. It was such a day.
On the drive home I realized I'd gone through half of the cloves I bought as I twirled my ring on my finger. Holding the cig out the window I felt the cool night air brushing my hand. Sleep Theif played quietly in the background and I was content. We were headed home together and had survived not only an argument but a misadventure.
It was one of our last, but I loved it.
Withdrawal again
Not only am I dealing with the break up now I'm withdrawaling.
That night with the Xanax. I don't have enough to keep me sane. So I thought I'd write.
I can describe the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal. But it blows. And it's mostly in your guts.
Since we are doing the show on Saturday I'm hoping this is a 24 hour thing, like some have been before. I did take one, my last and it helped the symptoms, but didn't stop them.
On a happier note Johnny sent me an email earlier apologizing for the other night. It really changed the day. I don't feel so bad. I was doing well today too. I hadn't cried. I made it to practice. I didn't play the music that would have made me worse. I went to bed at 12:30. But I woke up at 3:30 and realized again I was alone. Even though things are better with us, I don't have him.
Then the withdrawal really started, cuz I had avoided the Xanax the last twos night after drinking shots (I'm not sure why) and the night before because... I can't remember. Anyway I was asking for trouble.
So I don't really get brownie points yet for not crying cuz there were a few tears.
The heart ache is harder to bare than the physical shit I'm now going through though. How people kick junk I'll never understand. This is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever had, and heroin is way harder. It's less intense then the anxiety you feel from cocaine, but it's constant and lasts longer. I'm hoping I can get back to sleep in a couple hours. I have to meet up with a new band around 10pm tonight. Feeling it out. Anyway this is either the third or fourth time I've been through it. As long as I'm not stupid like I was it doesn't happen. I switch meds as soon as the withdrawal begins but usually I have enough meds to slowly taper. Again, being of a different breed, the lack of oxytocin probably isn't helpful.
I'm done writing again. Night guys. Hope you all are doing beautifully.
That night with the Xanax. I don't have enough to keep me sane. So I thought I'd write.
I can describe the symptoms of Xanax withdrawal. But it blows. And it's mostly in your guts.
Since we are doing the show on Saturday I'm hoping this is a 24 hour thing, like some have been before. I did take one, my last and it helped the symptoms, but didn't stop them.
On a happier note Johnny sent me an email earlier apologizing for the other night. It really changed the day. I don't feel so bad. I was doing well today too. I hadn't cried. I made it to practice. I didn't play the music that would have made me worse. I went to bed at 12:30. But I woke up at 3:30 and realized again I was alone. Even though things are better with us, I don't have him.
Then the withdrawal really started, cuz I had avoided the Xanax the last twos night after drinking shots (I'm not sure why) and the night before because... I can't remember. Anyway I was asking for trouble.
So I don't really get brownie points yet for not crying cuz there were a few tears.
The heart ache is harder to bare than the physical shit I'm now going through though. How people kick junk I'll never understand. This is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever had, and heroin is way harder. It's less intense then the anxiety you feel from cocaine, but it's constant and lasts longer. I'm hoping I can get back to sleep in a couple hours. I have to meet up with a new band around 10pm tonight. Feeling it out. Anyway this is either the third or fourth time I've been through it. As long as I'm not stupid like I was it doesn't happen. I switch meds as soon as the withdrawal begins but usually I have enough meds to slowly taper. Again, being of a different breed, the lack of oxytocin probably isn't helpful.
I'm done writing again. Night guys. Hope you all are doing beautifully.
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