Fuuuuuuuck.
Another trial. Man. It seems I'm being tested for everything now that I've set my mind to being better, and doing whatever that takes!
Hung out with a good friend tonight. One who has done me favors, and been a confidant as I have this person. When everything was said and done said person and I agreed to go to another location and talk.
What came forth I even feel bad for typing, but must confide somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. I'm being as anonymous as I can.
Anyway, said person tried to find drugs. Asked for my assistance in this act, and I said I didn't have anything or anyone to provide.
I honestly prayed that there would be no come through for them. I mean it. I listened to them while I drank coffee after 2am, a HUGE no no for me being an insomniac. So here I am at 5 am typing this, because this is a person I really care for, and want everything for. I mean, damn. They have the world at their finger tips if THEY COULD JUST SEE IT!
Thankfully someone somewhere must have been listening because they gave up.
Man... I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. Curious. Lost. Sympathetic. Actually bewildered is probably the word. I would never have expected this from them.
My head fucking hurts from the caffeine and all the thoughts that rolled around in there.
Anyway, this person said they couldn't trust that I could even sympathize with them unless I participated. They relented after I shared some personal information of my own, but still.
I know it wasn't about me, but it hurt that they assumed I wouldn't understand. I fucking do. I was this person like, 4 years ago. But I'm not anymore. Where did I go? What changed? What can I possibly say that will help? They also said I never act drunk, which means I couldn't be even either. That's why they assumed to share all info with me.
Time doesn't fix all wounds. But neither do drugs. And I haven't been fucked up on anything besides liquor in months. (Never on what they asked.) And even at that I've cut back on drinking.
I hurt. I really fucking hurt tonight. And it's not even for me. I hurt for them. I don't mean this as pious or anything. I'm in no place.
I still drink. I'm still getting over soooooo many things right now. I have to go see ANOTHER doctor to work on my sleep problems. BESIDES my sleep specialist. (Way to go bleeding heart. You looked after another's health tonight AGAIN instead of your own.)
But fuck... I want to be a good friend. And sometimes people just need someone to listen to them and be honest with. Without judgment. I did my best to be the best person for them tonight.
I hope because I didn't shut myself off from them I wasn't taking a step back. I'm on a slippery slope right now because I'M FUCKING LEARNING. I didn't judge, I swear. I understand.
But I smoked because they did. Also something I'm not looking for again at all. Not to mention the coffee which is making me feel so icky right now it's ridiculous.
That's it.
That's the step back.
I just realized.
When I type out I FEEL ICKY because of something I did for someone else, that has to be the line, right?
If there even is one... There must be.
I feel physically gross because I stretched myself out for someone. That must be a line. And putting my own "sobriety" out there is def not cool for me, or them. That's fucking enabling.
Welcome to my nightmare. I'm learning everything people learn in their teens now I think.
I have to stop typing. I feel like shit looking at this screen. I feel like fucking shit.
I am upset at me. And physically ill now.
And I finally had my first pleasant dream since I can remember last night and woke up today feeling pretty damn good. Fuck.
I wish Xanax could fix this. But it can't.
I love you. I do.
Growing pains are a bitch. Especially now that I've realized growing means leaving some people behind. No matter HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Our whole soul
Tonight is a trial. A different one in something I haven't faced before.
I attended a show and the band was fucking killer. I've seen enough to know who has it and who doesn't, and they fucking do. They are ready for major label attention an I'm sure they are gunna get it eventually. Anyway, invited the boys out afterward for drinks and they agreed. We met at The Cha Cha. Well, that was the plan anyway but it ended up being one member and his 'entourage' which was a bunch of females. When the Canadians left it was me, him, and a very obvious groupie. I decided to go ahead and leave at that point as I didn't see needing to be around with him sucking face with this drunk 21 year old. I wasn't offended exactly, other than the fact I was lured there as a group and then ended up being the third wheel to this very public display of "if you give me cock I'll be your whatever forever." I get it, I do. By all means, if you can and you're single go for it. But for chrissake leave me out of it.
(I'm leaving the band name out of this specifically as, well, it's good business.)
Chances are he'll call me and wanna hang out and maintain our friendship, but shit, I'm gunna make the terms very clear in this event. Anyway I'm not his handler or his manager or anything so it's not my job to look out for him. And besides, whatever her name was, if she's gunna be that easy, again, not my problem.
The real underlying issue in this is I came home alone. I wasn't around my usual posse, I didn't have my friends to keep me strong, or anything to keep me from triggering, which means I am. I am being tested. And because I was near Johnny's place, and I'm now drinking a bottle of white wine alone, I really fucking miss him tonight.
I know there are gunna be days where it's harder, and some easier, but on nights like this I have to wonder does he ever even think about me? Does he ever miss me at all?
I wish he could see some of the progress I've made, and the (even minor) changes I've made and continue to make.
I worked to the best of my ability to make that the best relationship it could have been, but I realize now how much easier it would have been on him if I'd been involved in doing this business more. It would've taken my attention away from wanting his so much. I don't feel that constant ache I once did, when you're hurt by the death of something beautiful.
I know in my heart I did my best with what I had at the time. I know the core issues would have remained, but I really wish I knew what I knew now. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I really, really miss our friendship.
It's going to take me some real time to find that kind of friendship again.
Anyway, I am hosting another open mic on Jan 18th which again is good for business- but, I'm working up the balls and working out the kinks to do a full Kate Sparrow set. Me, friends on other instruments, but the headliner would be me. This would be in Feb. I met a recent contact who is a writer associated with the stranger at a party and he's interested in hearing my work. If shit goes well, there could be something there as well.
I suppose it's another reason not to get caught up in love. I know how distracted I get by it.
God, I'm sick of reading this entry already. It's like I either write about love (or lack thereof) or some shit about the direction my music is taking. It's all lovely, I'm not downplaying it by any means, but if it doesn't work it's just more bullshit and that's not what I want for my life. I want real-ness, tried and true.
...That being said it's me and a bottle of white wine without my drinking partner. Or any drinking partner...
But none so beautiful as him...
And while I used this as a way to work out in my own head what was wrong with us, I wish I could take back any hurtful thing he ever read or misinterpreted.
I loved him more than he knows.
And I'm sorry for any outside influence that made me doubt- turned me out- lead me off. If it was just us- face to face- heart to heart- I do believe life could be different.
So I drink to you my friends. Making our lives the beautiful different. Never striving to stop learning, and to always loving with our whole hearts, which in turn fill our souls.
<3
I attended a show and the band was fucking killer. I've seen enough to know who has it and who doesn't, and they fucking do. They are ready for major label attention an I'm sure they are gunna get it eventually. Anyway, invited the boys out afterward for drinks and they agreed. We met at The Cha Cha. Well, that was the plan anyway but it ended up being one member and his 'entourage' which was a bunch of females. When the Canadians left it was me, him, and a very obvious groupie. I decided to go ahead and leave at that point as I didn't see needing to be around with him sucking face with this drunk 21 year old. I wasn't offended exactly, other than the fact I was lured there as a group and then ended up being the third wheel to this very public display of "if you give me cock I'll be your whatever forever." I get it, I do. By all means, if you can and you're single go for it. But for chrissake leave me out of it.
(I'm leaving the band name out of this specifically as, well, it's good business.)
Chances are he'll call me and wanna hang out and maintain our friendship, but shit, I'm gunna make the terms very clear in this event. Anyway I'm not his handler or his manager or anything so it's not my job to look out for him. And besides, whatever her name was, if she's gunna be that easy, again, not my problem.
The real underlying issue in this is I came home alone. I wasn't around my usual posse, I didn't have my friends to keep me strong, or anything to keep me from triggering, which means I am. I am being tested. And because I was near Johnny's place, and I'm now drinking a bottle of white wine alone, I really fucking miss him tonight.
I know there are gunna be days where it's harder, and some easier, but on nights like this I have to wonder does he ever even think about me? Does he ever miss me at all?
I wish he could see some of the progress I've made, and the (even minor) changes I've made and continue to make.
I worked to the best of my ability to make that the best relationship it could have been, but I realize now how much easier it would have been on him if I'd been involved in doing this business more. It would've taken my attention away from wanting his so much. I don't feel that constant ache I once did, when you're hurt by the death of something beautiful.
I know in my heart I did my best with what I had at the time. I know the core issues would have remained, but I really wish I knew what I knew now. And I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I really, really miss our friendship.
It's going to take me some real time to find that kind of friendship again.
Anyway, I am hosting another open mic on Jan 18th which again is good for business- but, I'm working up the balls and working out the kinks to do a full Kate Sparrow set. Me, friends on other instruments, but the headliner would be me. This would be in Feb. I met a recent contact who is a writer associated with the stranger at a party and he's interested in hearing my work. If shit goes well, there could be something there as well.
I suppose it's another reason not to get caught up in love. I know how distracted I get by it.
God, I'm sick of reading this entry already. It's like I either write about love (or lack thereof) or some shit about the direction my music is taking. It's all lovely, I'm not downplaying it by any means, but if it doesn't work it's just more bullshit and that's not what I want for my life. I want real-ness, tried and true.
...That being said it's me and a bottle of white wine without my drinking partner. Or any drinking partner...
But none so beautiful as him...
And while I used this as a way to work out in my own head what was wrong with us, I wish I could take back any hurtful thing he ever read or misinterpreted.
I loved him more than he knows.
And I'm sorry for any outside influence that made me doubt- turned me out- lead me off. If it was just us- face to face- heart to heart- I do believe life could be different.
So I drink to you my friends. Making our lives the beautiful different. Never striving to stop learning, and to always loving with our whole hearts, which in turn fill our souls.
<3
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Complex
I suppose now is as good a time as any to write
btw happy xmas back SB, hope it was good. <3
As for me, I've been keeping myself busy. It's been nearly a month since I've written and while some days have been slow, some days have been mad. The last two weeks I've hardly drank, though I'm not seeing much progress. Started a new melody tonight, but that was before I welcomed my friend Deb back from the UK. Prior to that I was in Salt Lake for the holidays, and before that making plans to record. Got Joe Zara to agree to drums over the drum kit which is exciting as he's a musician I admire a lot. I've been talking to other musicians as well and plodding along. Things aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and we're behind on the UK date but as I understand, this is fairly normal. I made notions about doing a conventional Northwest thing, and I'm guessing I'll be doing a lot of the work on that. That's ok. I love Portland. I'll be happy to get there. My friend Glitch has some prior knowledge of the bar and club scene and is getting ready to tour with his band, which is exciting for him. But, I reiterate, we're plodding along.
Meanwhile I did bookings for other bands, and, as I said, traveled to Salt Lake. I got stuck in the Holiday traveling fiasco which made me really relieved to get there. When I did I had dinner and went straight to bed. The next night I stayed in as well. That surprisingly was the way for most of the trip. Christmas rolled around and I got some dvds, a few cds, and books which was awesome. My sister also bought me a manicure, which makes typing a sonofabitch. I Saw Wayne soon after and we had our usual sushi night and chatted about our lives. His ex fiance wrote him a letter and he asked my opinion. They hadn't spoken in 6 years, and I speculated it was a Christmas feeling or possibly because of a recent break up. Turns out I was right on both accounts. I guess it helped him kinda with the past and I was happy he got some closure. Six years is a long time to wait.
Anyway, the next night I went out with Candace and her husband Abe to the Highlander for a karaoke night which was a lot of fun. Another friend of theirs Aubrey was to come with us, but she left her ID so Candace drove her home. It gave Abe and I a chance to talk. We talked some about neutral things, and some about their trip to Seattle. I hadn't seen things the way they had, which may have been the right way. I Wish now I had...
The night ended on a high note, and I came back to Seattle the next night feeling kinda sick again. I had stayed home a lot in SLC for the same reason. When I got back I finished the book "Heavier Than Heaven," and planned my friend Sarah's birthday party. She says it was the best birthday ever, and I'd like to take a little pride in that. New Year's was crazy and for once, was actually a lot of fun, but not without incident. I celebrated at a gay bar with my friends Adrianne and Jeff and many of their friends, and then watched the fireworks from her rooftop in the freezing cold. It reminded me a bit of the fourth of July, and made me sad in a sense. I celebrated alone this year which was probably what I needed.
In other terms of what I need- therapy is a trip, and I'm doing my best to work out my immediate downfalls, as well as some of my past hindrances. The more I give of myself, the more I'm scared of judgment. This is the first time since I was a teenager more or less I'm talking about me and not about my relationship. (Or about how it relates to my mom.) I realize I talk about shit in here, but it's not exactly a sounding board and nobody's suggesting anything in that sort of way.
Since it all began in the whirlwind I have realized I'm a. Not Borderline anymore, or B. possibly never was. I have been told by 3 professionals now I'm too self aware. I also don't self injure often enough (apparently) and don't have a cluster B manipulative personality. I have also sought therapy more often, and haven't attempted suicide or showed suicidal behavior in many years.
There is some relief in this... Because it means I just have a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Sigh...
I wish this means there was a pill I could take, or everything made sense now- But I'm not out of the woods yet. Traumas have built on top of traumas and the mess left in the wake of these events is palpable. I wish there was more I could do, but I just try and figure out how to nurture myself, write music, and stay out of the business of getting hurt.
Anyway, in therapy I'm learning and doing my best to stand up to people that do not have my interests at heart. I tell people what was up or what bothered me, even if it's after the fact. I am told it trains me to say something when people are actually doing it. I realize it's pretty late in the game to be learning this life skill, and I feel pretty jipped that no one told me I was doing it wrong before. But I've had the notion for a few years now and no way to put it into practice. It's good to have it laid out. I am a stubborn mother fucker though, and it's going slow. Especially with my desire to be nice to everybody all the damn time.
Even in writing this though, I can see my brain functioning a bit better. I'm proofreading on a bit of a higher level, and while I still feel more retarded talking to people than I did in say, high school, I am happy my brain is a little less clouded. I haven't had an ambien episode in about 4 months and have been more careful with my pills, and my health in the last 30 days. While I still love meeting new people, I'm not actively seeking a love substitute.
I hate to say any of this or admit it because I'm afraid I'll just fall off again into whatever shit used to work. It's not that I wasn't happy then- I can't even say I'm *that* different now. It feels like a shaky track. All it would take is one fucking fight, one episode, one side track into whatever is easiest- and I don't doubt it will happen- that will leave me emotionally paralyzed and unable to move forward. But I guess the best I can do is acknowledge it'll happen, write, and talk my way through it, then get back up and do it again.
I just hope I don't forget how to live, love, and be nice to people. I think sometimes it's a curse...
But at the end of the day I have to accept that's just me.
Happy new year.
btw happy xmas back SB, hope it was good. <3
As for me, I've been keeping myself busy. It's been nearly a month since I've written and while some days have been slow, some days have been mad. The last two weeks I've hardly drank, though I'm not seeing much progress. Started a new melody tonight, but that was before I welcomed my friend Deb back from the UK. Prior to that I was in Salt Lake for the holidays, and before that making plans to record. Got Joe Zara to agree to drums over the drum kit which is exciting as he's a musician I admire a lot. I've been talking to other musicians as well and plodding along. Things aren't moving as fast as I'd like, and we're behind on the UK date but as I understand, this is fairly normal. I made notions about doing a conventional Northwest thing, and I'm guessing I'll be doing a lot of the work on that. That's ok. I love Portland. I'll be happy to get there. My friend Glitch has some prior knowledge of the bar and club scene and is getting ready to tour with his band, which is exciting for him. But, I reiterate, we're plodding along.
Meanwhile I did bookings for other bands, and, as I said, traveled to Salt Lake. I got stuck in the Holiday traveling fiasco which made me really relieved to get there. When I did I had dinner and went straight to bed. The next night I stayed in as well. That surprisingly was the way for most of the trip. Christmas rolled around and I got some dvds, a few cds, and books which was awesome. My sister also bought me a manicure, which makes typing a sonofabitch. I Saw Wayne soon after and we had our usual sushi night and chatted about our lives. His ex fiance wrote him a letter and he asked my opinion. They hadn't spoken in 6 years, and I speculated it was a Christmas feeling or possibly because of a recent break up. Turns out I was right on both accounts. I guess it helped him kinda with the past and I was happy he got some closure. Six years is a long time to wait.
Anyway, the next night I went out with Candace and her husband Abe to the Highlander for a karaoke night which was a lot of fun. Another friend of theirs Aubrey was to come with us, but she left her ID so Candace drove her home. It gave Abe and I a chance to talk. We talked some about neutral things, and some about their trip to Seattle. I hadn't seen things the way they had, which may have been the right way. I Wish now I had...
The night ended on a high note, and I came back to Seattle the next night feeling kinda sick again. I had stayed home a lot in SLC for the same reason. When I got back I finished the book "Heavier Than Heaven," and planned my friend Sarah's birthday party. She says it was the best birthday ever, and I'd like to take a little pride in that. New Year's was crazy and for once, was actually a lot of fun, but not without incident. I celebrated at a gay bar with my friends Adrianne and Jeff and many of their friends, and then watched the fireworks from her rooftop in the freezing cold. It reminded me a bit of the fourth of July, and made me sad in a sense. I celebrated alone this year which was probably what I needed.
In other terms of what I need- therapy is a trip, and I'm doing my best to work out my immediate downfalls, as well as some of my past hindrances. The more I give of myself, the more I'm scared of judgment. This is the first time since I was a teenager more or less I'm talking about me and not about my relationship. (Or about how it relates to my mom.) I realize I talk about shit in here, but it's not exactly a sounding board and nobody's suggesting anything in that sort of way.
Since it all began in the whirlwind I have realized I'm a. Not Borderline anymore, or B. possibly never was. I have been told by 3 professionals now I'm too self aware. I also don't self injure often enough (apparently) and don't have a cluster B manipulative personality. I have also sought therapy more often, and haven't attempted suicide or showed suicidal behavior in many years.
There is some relief in this... Because it means I just have a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Sigh...
I wish this means there was a pill I could take, or everything made sense now- But I'm not out of the woods yet. Traumas have built on top of traumas and the mess left in the wake of these events is palpable. I wish there was more I could do, but I just try and figure out how to nurture myself, write music, and stay out of the business of getting hurt.
Anyway, in therapy I'm learning and doing my best to stand up to people that do not have my interests at heart. I tell people what was up or what bothered me, even if it's after the fact. I am told it trains me to say something when people are actually doing it. I realize it's pretty late in the game to be learning this life skill, and I feel pretty jipped that no one told me I was doing it wrong before. But I've had the notion for a few years now and no way to put it into practice. It's good to have it laid out. I am a stubborn mother fucker though, and it's going slow. Especially with my desire to be nice to everybody all the damn time.
Even in writing this though, I can see my brain functioning a bit better. I'm proofreading on a bit of a higher level, and while I still feel more retarded talking to people than I did in say, high school, I am happy my brain is a little less clouded. I haven't had an ambien episode in about 4 months and have been more careful with my pills, and my health in the last 30 days. While I still love meeting new people, I'm not actively seeking a love substitute.
I hate to say any of this or admit it because I'm afraid I'll just fall off again into whatever shit used to work. It's not that I wasn't happy then- I can't even say I'm *that* different now. It feels like a shaky track. All it would take is one fucking fight, one episode, one side track into whatever is easiest- and I don't doubt it will happen- that will leave me emotionally paralyzed and unable to move forward. But I guess the best I can do is acknowledge it'll happen, write, and talk my way through it, then get back up and do it again.
I just hope I don't forget how to live, love, and be nice to people. I think sometimes it's a curse...
But at the end of the day I have to accept that's just me.
Happy new year.
Monday, December 13, 2010
"One Step Tonight"
I finally realized you can't save me
I'm gunna have to save myself
And if it takes ten years of searching
I'm gunna finally figure all it out
Cuz there's just too much agony
That never rests or lets me be
There's open scars and tragedies
You'd see
But I'm not sure I'm ready...
CHORUS
If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright and
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-
Tonight
I'm finally ready for some closure
Now that I'm really on my own
I think it took a broken heart to heal me
And a gypsie's life to finally find a home
Cuz there's a soul inside of me
That never rests or lets me be
But the years of wandering aimlessly
Should cease
And I'm ready to see
CHORUS
If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-
Tonight
Find, I'll find my wings
Even a caged bird can sing
The past, The past it stings
With memories
One Sparrow's plea
Open the door let me be
Open the door and set me free...
I'm gunna have to save myself
And if it takes ten years of searching
I'm gunna finally figure all it out
Cuz there's just too much agony
That never rests or lets me be
There's open scars and tragedies
You'd see
But I'm not sure I'm ready...
CHORUS
If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright and
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-
Tonight
I'm finally ready for some closure
Now that I'm really on my own
I think it took a broken heart to heal me
And a gypsie's life to finally find a home
Cuz there's a soul inside of me
That never rests or lets me be
But the years of wandering aimlessly
Should cease
And I'm ready to see
CHORUS
If I could find the healing light
Inside my soul, not in your eyes
If I could find some kind of life
I think that I would be alright
The journey starts with this one step-
one step-
Tonight
Find, I'll find my wings
Even a caged bird can sing
The past, The past it stings
With memories
One Sparrow's plea
Open the door let me be
Open the door and set me free...
Music;Job;Life;Lyrics
The lull in posts hasn't been a bad thing.
I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately. Not a night without some sort of thing to do. Work or otherwise. Shows, the usual karaoke.
Was in California for part of my silence. That was the worst vacation ever. Spent it with a very weepy mother. That's all I want to say on that front.
The thing I do want to talk about is how I landed a producer and now I'm going to make a solo album. I've spent a lot of this time writing new material of which is varied. Haunting Me and Romanticide will def be on the album, as will Running all songs I wrote previously. Couldn't Stay is on track too. I'm thinking about a different version of Lullaby and Nothing too. That's 6 right there. I want 12. One will be a cover, the lyrics I'll post next I think. As I'm mapping all this out I'm realizing what an undertaking it will be. I still want to get on paper one good song that expresses the Chris stuff. Romanticide is partly about him though.
The basics will all be done in a loft studio downtown and the complicated stuff (including having someone come in and layer drum kits with real drums) will be done at a different location. I want this album to really show off different sides to what I like musically. Not screaming over Flash Suppressor style.
It feels good to know someone genuinely likes and respects my music, and expects to make some money on it.
I'd love to have a collaborator on some of the newer 6 songs, but my favorite local lyricist happens to be my ex. I also want a guest track. It would be cool to get Jon to do it. I'd have to see if he'd even be willing, all past aside. None of the songs are about him. He'd probably expect an appearance fee. I dunno if he'd do it for a friend for free since he's a business man too. Just thoughts rolling around in my head on the drawing board.
Also on the drawing board is getting 3 or 4 songs down on an E.P and then taking the music to the U.K and chasing down the radio stations, media, and such for about 3 weeeks. It's easier to break into the UK market than it is in here in America. The rules there are different when it comes to press kits and getting heard. Anyway, the producer knows someone over there that could very well be an in which is also exciting. I realize of course, it will take more than 3 weeks to accomplish what I'm hoping but the 3 weeks would be to feel out the market and make a strategy. We're looking into leaving around Feb 4th for that.
Meanwhile, this means I have to lose weight because there will have to be photography in the future. It also may mean some physical therapy for the back shit so it gets stronger so it looks less like, well, my back.
I wrote 2 songs alone today and it's the first day I've ever written 2 songs in a day ever. One I will go ahead and post here, it's called "One Step Tonight" and the other I'll save to post when I'm ready is called "Stranger."
"My Sweetest Ache" is stuck in me somewhere, but I tapped into a short lived feeling for that. I don't want to fake the rest of where that came from so we'll see where it goes.
I just want this album to be about you know, the process of getting broken, falling in love, making decisions, finding yourself, and all of it from a real place. I don't want to compromise any lyric, any moment, any feeling.
I realize as with anything this could be a foray into failure, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And it's a huge undertaking. I also have to be proud of myself for putting myself out there and having someone say they want to take a chance on me. I realize what a big part of chance networking is, getting the right people out, knowing how to get them out. Selling yourself.
I'm growing everyday and surrrounding myself with people I truly care for. I think now is really the time to focus on music and myself and sort of let the relationship shit go to the wayside. I think back of dealing with all the drama of the last 2 relationships and it's exhausting.
Somehow hearing Chris got married after the initial shock and sudo anger wore off I realized he actually set me free. There are no more questions anymore. It explains every behavior, every false start attempt at friendship, and all the shit I was working out about what we were exactly after everything ended. I am literally free and clear and alone. And for the first time with him, that's ok.
J is a different story entirely. I'm working through all the feelings I have about what happened with us through writing, and of course, in therapy all though so far we've mostly talked about my mom big shocker. I don't have anger towards Johnny, or lingering questions about his behavior. I'm aware of what I feel for him and that's just wanting him to be happy. At this point my only question is if in fact he will ever speak to me again. And if he's doing all this silence for self preservation. I mean, initially that's why I needed it myself. But I'm not sitting around being weak about it anymore. I'm doing the work my therapist is telling me to do. I'm practicing confronting people when I feel like they've violated my boundaries by their behavior. Even if it takes awhile to do it, doing it at all is a step in the right direction.
Relearning a behavioral pattern is so hard. I hate confrontation still, but I finally realize a lot of the abandonment I have had has come from the fact that I've tried to avoid it and hell, if people are gunna leave anyway (and it's possible they still will) I may as well put up a fight for myself. At least then I can look back and say I did what I did for me.
With the album in the works I feel more worth while. I feel more confident. I am more forgiving of my sick days.
I still very much miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. It's been great to meet new people, but it doesn't really get easier to sleep alone, though I've stopped couch surfing as much. Don't know if I mentioned staying on Camano for the Holiday, and that was actually super awesome. Dad and I got up early and had coffee and breakfast then chased down some trumpeter swans. They fly in from Russia and it's a rare sort of swan you only see here and in Russian apparently. It was actually pretty cool. Then Tami and I dragged him to see Burlesque, which I was surprised to find he liked.
The next night was one of the best shows I've ever seen as far as a local band goes, so I'm throwing a Christams party at their next show on the 19th @ The Sunset. Then Ashley and I are throwing a pre Xmas shindig in Utah when I go down. Mom really had to barter to get me down this year. After the last I wasn't inclined to go.
I got to meet James Apollo who is a musician I admire very much two weeks ago, so that was great. He said he'd keep in touch through facebook and I'm stoked to be in contact.
Also landed a job as an open mic host. Pretty damn cool. More freedom than karaoke hosting, though a totally different vibe. Plus the bar owner and I get on really well. I've got all sorts of ideas to try and help his bar bring in more revenue.
This is my little idiotic life. And I'm living it my way. That's all for now people. I'm fighting off a cold so that I can start in the studio this week. So I'm back to resting, if not sleeping. Then it's back to work on something.
Love sent into the universe.
I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately. Not a night without some sort of thing to do. Work or otherwise. Shows, the usual karaoke.
Was in California for part of my silence. That was the worst vacation ever. Spent it with a very weepy mother. That's all I want to say on that front.
The thing I do want to talk about is how I landed a producer and now I'm going to make a solo album. I've spent a lot of this time writing new material of which is varied. Haunting Me and Romanticide will def be on the album, as will Running all songs I wrote previously. Couldn't Stay is on track too. I'm thinking about a different version of Lullaby and Nothing too. That's 6 right there. I want 12. One will be a cover, the lyrics I'll post next I think. As I'm mapping all this out I'm realizing what an undertaking it will be. I still want to get on paper one good song that expresses the Chris stuff. Romanticide is partly about him though.
The basics will all be done in a loft studio downtown and the complicated stuff (including having someone come in and layer drum kits with real drums) will be done at a different location. I want this album to really show off different sides to what I like musically. Not screaming over Flash Suppressor style.
It feels good to know someone genuinely likes and respects my music, and expects to make some money on it.
I'd love to have a collaborator on some of the newer 6 songs, but my favorite local lyricist happens to be my ex. I also want a guest track. It would be cool to get Jon to do it. I'd have to see if he'd even be willing, all past aside. None of the songs are about him. He'd probably expect an appearance fee. I dunno if he'd do it for a friend for free since he's a business man too. Just thoughts rolling around in my head on the drawing board.
Also on the drawing board is getting 3 or 4 songs down on an E.P and then taking the music to the U.K and chasing down the radio stations, media, and such for about 3 weeeks. It's easier to break into the UK market than it is in here in America. The rules there are different when it comes to press kits and getting heard. Anyway, the producer knows someone over there that could very well be an in which is also exciting. I realize of course, it will take more than 3 weeks to accomplish what I'm hoping but the 3 weeks would be to feel out the market and make a strategy. We're looking into leaving around Feb 4th for that.
Meanwhile, this means I have to lose weight because there will have to be photography in the future. It also may mean some physical therapy for the back shit so it gets stronger so it looks less like, well, my back.
I wrote 2 songs alone today and it's the first day I've ever written 2 songs in a day ever. One I will go ahead and post here, it's called "One Step Tonight" and the other I'll save to post when I'm ready is called "Stranger."
"My Sweetest Ache" is stuck in me somewhere, but I tapped into a short lived feeling for that. I don't want to fake the rest of where that came from so we'll see where it goes.
I just want this album to be about you know, the process of getting broken, falling in love, making decisions, finding yourself, and all of it from a real place. I don't want to compromise any lyric, any moment, any feeling.
I realize as with anything this could be a foray into failure, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And it's a huge undertaking. I also have to be proud of myself for putting myself out there and having someone say they want to take a chance on me. I realize what a big part of chance networking is, getting the right people out, knowing how to get them out. Selling yourself.
I'm growing everyday and surrrounding myself with people I truly care for. I think now is really the time to focus on music and myself and sort of let the relationship shit go to the wayside. I think back of dealing with all the drama of the last 2 relationships and it's exhausting.
Somehow hearing Chris got married after the initial shock and sudo anger wore off I realized he actually set me free. There are no more questions anymore. It explains every behavior, every false start attempt at friendship, and all the shit I was working out about what we were exactly after everything ended. I am literally free and clear and alone. And for the first time with him, that's ok.
J is a different story entirely. I'm working through all the feelings I have about what happened with us through writing, and of course, in therapy all though so far we've mostly talked about my mom big shocker. I don't have anger towards Johnny, or lingering questions about his behavior. I'm aware of what I feel for him and that's just wanting him to be happy. At this point my only question is if in fact he will ever speak to me again. And if he's doing all this silence for self preservation. I mean, initially that's why I needed it myself. But I'm not sitting around being weak about it anymore. I'm doing the work my therapist is telling me to do. I'm practicing confronting people when I feel like they've violated my boundaries by their behavior. Even if it takes awhile to do it, doing it at all is a step in the right direction.
Relearning a behavioral pattern is so hard. I hate confrontation still, but I finally realize a lot of the abandonment I have had has come from the fact that I've tried to avoid it and hell, if people are gunna leave anyway (and it's possible they still will) I may as well put up a fight for myself. At least then I can look back and say I did what I did for me.
With the album in the works I feel more worth while. I feel more confident. I am more forgiving of my sick days.
I still very much miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. It's been great to meet new people, but it doesn't really get easier to sleep alone, though I've stopped couch surfing as much. Don't know if I mentioned staying on Camano for the Holiday, and that was actually super awesome. Dad and I got up early and had coffee and breakfast then chased down some trumpeter swans. They fly in from Russia and it's a rare sort of swan you only see here and in Russian apparently. It was actually pretty cool. Then Tami and I dragged him to see Burlesque, which I was surprised to find he liked.
The next night was one of the best shows I've ever seen as far as a local band goes, so I'm throwing a Christams party at their next show on the 19th @ The Sunset. Then Ashley and I are throwing a pre Xmas shindig in Utah when I go down. Mom really had to barter to get me down this year. After the last I wasn't inclined to go.
I got to meet James Apollo who is a musician I admire very much two weeks ago, so that was great. He said he'd keep in touch through facebook and I'm stoked to be in contact.
Also landed a job as an open mic host. Pretty damn cool. More freedom than karaoke hosting, though a totally different vibe. Plus the bar owner and I get on really well. I've got all sorts of ideas to try and help his bar bring in more revenue.
This is my little idiotic life. And I'm living it my way. That's all for now people. I'm fighting off a cold so that I can start in the studio this week. So I'm back to resting, if not sleeping. Then it's back to work on something.
Love sent into the universe.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Peeps
Hey peeps.
Much has happened in the way of life. Much in the way of good exciting news. Much in the way of sorrow.
Much much much.
I'll update you all as soon as I'm not drunk again.
But I'm not dead.
I'm just coming to terms to everything right now.
Just know I send my love out. I do
Much has happened in the way of life. Much in the way of good exciting news. Much in the way of sorrow.
Much much much.
I'll update you all as soon as I'm not drunk again.
But I'm not dead.
I'm just coming to terms to everything right now.
Just know I send my love out. I do
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A letter to the misinformed
Dear Jae,
My therapist says I need to stop being such a doormat and finally express how I feel for once. She says if I express some of the repressed feelings I have then I will finally be able to heal, express them better in the future and quit constantly hurting myself in the name of other people. Or more to the point, the name of peace. The no confrontation zone.
I'm glad I can explore this first step in assertion with you. The same way you managed to express your first steps in home wrecking with me. Of course, to say that isn't really counting your first marriage...
I'd like to start off by saying mazeltov! I'm sure your marriage will be as happy and successful as was my engagement to your current husband. You remember that? The one you broke up? No matter. That was years ago. It means nothing now, no?
Because really, what can one be when someone who was their "friend" and their love get married? Hehe.
I believe the word is happy. God I'm so... Yeah...
I'm so what exactly? I'm not angry at you. You were there first technically weren't you? High school. I was some bitch he met at a bar. The life we had- the shit we went through- the person he had to be with me to get to you- that shit is over and in the past. Let's lay that to rest shall we? Let's focus on the life we had before you came into the picture.
So... We were finally happy. Ready to be married ourselves. Making the plans, sharing the secrets, spending our nights together, and his days off. I wrote music while he worked, and our life together seemed to mold so well. All of his friends seemed excited for us. Then he tells me his friend from high school is moving down too, and nudged me towards a camaraderie with you.
Remember? When we hung out? And you'd tell me stories and we'd laugh? And I accepted you as you were? Assuming you were no threat, as you stated you were none.
Oh don't worry, it's not as if I hold this against you. I mean, how could one resist wrecking a life? I was a sitting duck wasn't I? I was an easy target. Yep. I watched as you two spent time alone at the last party we had. I watched as he texted you more and more. I watched quietly. Because... Well really Jae, I have an issue being bitchy. I hate confrontation I especially hated it with him. Our fights were blow outs- like nothing I've known with any other guy.
You probably know how to navigate his temper better than I. Maybe that was your point that won you the spot I coveted for 3 years. Perhaps it was your smile or your winning personality. I'm not sure. He never talked about it with me.
All I know is when I left for Portland and came back, I knew for sure it was over. And I placed a bet with myself. And wouldn't you know it? I won! I bet myself within two weeks of making the bet he'd be with you. And Christ almighty! I was right! I won myself $20. I mean, that's fantastic! Isn't it?
You know, Bobby got married at the same time you did. Do you remember me talking about my ex Bobby at all? Well, as a refresher, he dumped me and got with this girl Layla. Wouldn't you know it? They got married. Approximately the same time you did. I'm like fucking good luck chuck now. I finally found my purpose in life it seems.
I'm glad about finally finding something I can do well. If Mason marries Rhiannon (and he likely will) then that completes the circle. I can quit singing "Lullaby." Hehe. Maybe he'll be sober by then...
I do have something to add though. When you came and took me aside last Christmas, and told me my spirit guide was likely your dead mother... Well dear, I wanted to tell you how cuckoo you were. I wanted to tell you BACK THE FUCK OFF Because... Forgive me, when somebody interprets how I feel about my spirituality wrong, I go a little nuts. There is NO WAY your dead mother is my Ethelia. Ethelia was and has been in my life for longer than you and your mother have experienced life. Ethelia saved me from an almost certain death from a surgery that was botched thanks to the doing of your husband. Oh, and for the record, he wasn't around for it.
But he's around for you isn't he? Treasure it dear sister. Because, seeing as how you've come to the conclusion your dead mother and my spirit guide are the same that would make us sisters.
But wait... As my sister... Would you have really come to do all you've done?
Now, I believe in fate. But in order for this to be true, wouldn't my sister have had to find a way to "steal" my fiance from me? Now, with a real sister- I know how I would act. And in accordance with my own morals, trying to seduce anyone she liked seems morally wrong. But it wasn't, was it? You were (and are) fine and dandy with it.
I'm sorry, but this doesn't match up with soulism at all, which makes you wrong. The fact you pretended to be an expert on my spirituality at a party I do have to say irked me a little. But all is forgiven.
My life goes on in a state I belong. I continue to wait patiently as people come and go. I know eventually Ethelia, and not your mother, will lead me to the place and space and time I belong. To those people which I belong. Not to a false man who left me for someone with weak moral standing and terrible timing. I wait patiently for the people to show me the way, I wait because I know they will come.
Until then, I can not wish you the best. But I will wish you swift karma, as that seems fair.
Congrats again,
Kate.
My therapist says I need to stop being such a doormat and finally express how I feel for once. She says if I express some of the repressed feelings I have then I will finally be able to heal, express them better in the future and quit constantly hurting myself in the name of other people. Or more to the point, the name of peace. The no confrontation zone.
I'm glad I can explore this first step in assertion with you. The same way you managed to express your first steps in home wrecking with me. Of course, to say that isn't really counting your first marriage...
I'd like to start off by saying mazeltov! I'm sure your marriage will be as happy and successful as was my engagement to your current husband. You remember that? The one you broke up? No matter. That was years ago. It means nothing now, no?
Because really, what can one be when someone who was their "friend" and their love get married? Hehe.
I believe the word is happy. God I'm so... Yeah...
I'm so what exactly? I'm not angry at you. You were there first technically weren't you? High school. I was some bitch he met at a bar. The life we had- the shit we went through- the person he had to be with me to get to you- that shit is over and in the past. Let's lay that to rest shall we? Let's focus on the life we had before you came into the picture.
So... We were finally happy. Ready to be married ourselves. Making the plans, sharing the secrets, spending our nights together, and his days off. I wrote music while he worked, and our life together seemed to mold so well. All of his friends seemed excited for us. Then he tells me his friend from high school is moving down too, and nudged me towards a camaraderie with you.
Remember? When we hung out? And you'd tell me stories and we'd laugh? And I accepted you as you were? Assuming you were no threat, as you stated you were none.
Oh don't worry, it's not as if I hold this against you. I mean, how could one resist wrecking a life? I was a sitting duck wasn't I? I was an easy target. Yep. I watched as you two spent time alone at the last party we had. I watched as he texted you more and more. I watched quietly. Because... Well really Jae, I have an issue being bitchy. I hate confrontation I especially hated it with him. Our fights were blow outs- like nothing I've known with any other guy.
You probably know how to navigate his temper better than I. Maybe that was your point that won you the spot I coveted for 3 years. Perhaps it was your smile or your winning personality. I'm not sure. He never talked about it with me.
All I know is when I left for Portland and came back, I knew for sure it was over. And I placed a bet with myself. And wouldn't you know it? I won! I bet myself within two weeks of making the bet he'd be with you. And Christ almighty! I was right! I won myself $20. I mean, that's fantastic! Isn't it?
You know, Bobby got married at the same time you did. Do you remember me talking about my ex Bobby at all? Well, as a refresher, he dumped me and got with this girl Layla. Wouldn't you know it? They got married. Approximately the same time you did. I'm like fucking good luck chuck now. I finally found my purpose in life it seems.
I'm glad about finally finding something I can do well. If Mason marries Rhiannon (and he likely will) then that completes the circle. I can quit singing "Lullaby." Hehe. Maybe he'll be sober by then...
I do have something to add though. When you came and took me aside last Christmas, and told me my spirit guide was likely your dead mother... Well dear, I wanted to tell you how cuckoo you were. I wanted to tell you BACK THE FUCK OFF Because... Forgive me, when somebody interprets how I feel about my spirituality wrong, I go a little nuts. There is NO WAY your dead mother is my Ethelia. Ethelia was and has been in my life for longer than you and your mother have experienced life. Ethelia saved me from an almost certain death from a surgery that was botched thanks to the doing of your husband. Oh, and for the record, he wasn't around for it.
But he's around for you isn't he? Treasure it dear sister. Because, seeing as how you've come to the conclusion your dead mother and my spirit guide are the same that would make us sisters.
But wait... As my sister... Would you have really come to do all you've done?
Now, I believe in fate. But in order for this to be true, wouldn't my sister have had to find a way to "steal" my fiance from me? Now, with a real sister- I know how I would act. And in accordance with my own morals, trying to seduce anyone she liked seems morally wrong. But it wasn't, was it? You were (and are) fine and dandy with it.
I'm sorry, but this doesn't match up with soulism at all, which makes you wrong. The fact you pretended to be an expert on my spirituality at a party I do have to say irked me a little. But all is forgiven.
My life goes on in a state I belong. I continue to wait patiently as people come and go. I know eventually Ethelia, and not your mother, will lead me to the place and space and time I belong. To those people which I belong. Not to a false man who left me for someone with weak moral standing and terrible timing. I wait patiently for the people to show me the way, I wait because I know they will come.
Until then, I can not wish you the best. But I will wish you swift karma, as that seems fair.
Congrats again,
Kate.
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